Life, love, and tea

growth by anger

2010-10-10T02:36:00.000+02:00

I've changed so much in two years. Two years ago this time I didn't know what I thought or cared about, and I was out of touch with what I even felt. And when there was conflict, I'd be angry, of course, but not very angry...and if you go back a few years, I rarely got angry.

Its interesting looking back, to realize that the way I process has changed. I defend myself, am angry for myself, and know what I feel and think much more.

And today I'm pissed off, which I suppose is only natural (and I'm thankful for this). Now that I have obvious emotions, its time to learn more about what to do with them to be a good person. A good, whole person.

I sure am not perfect. Glad to know where I'm at though.

2010-07-03T02:59:00.000+02:00

This is an IPA kind of summer...and no, I'm not brushing up on my lyric diction. Its pretty exciting to be off contract and to be twenty one, so I've been extending my flavor obsession to the world of beer. All my coworkers love beer, and so do I. Its fun to explore.

Things have been different this summer so far. I've spent more time reading, and more time alone, and more time with coworkers. My schedule and my family's schedules are not as compatible as they used to be. Dad's is normal, Jeff is around a bit, and Mom is very, very busy with her campaign. I'm proud of her for what a great job she is doing. Thankfully her office is just across the street from where I work, so I see her a few times a week when I'm behind the counter, and I can always pop over there after my shift and say hi or bring coffee or something. I'll admit though, before I got used to the flow of this summer, I was feeling pretty lonely.

I'm not really plugged into a church this summer. I don't like that. My closest Christian friends are not in town.

I'm typing this on my dad's computer. He just said, "That's my computer" and I responded "mmhmm..." and he said, "Using it for nefarious purposes?" and I said, "Yep. (pause) Looking up nefarious." He started laughing. Nefarious does not mean what I thought it did.

That's all for now.

2010-06-07T18:56:00.000+02:00

What did I not expect from last semester? To make new friends. Not to mention, male friends.

Brian Ulrich. This kid cracks me up. He lives across the courtyard and will nearly always match me in energy and oddness if I challenge him to it. What a fun friend. I enjoyed doing homework in his and his brother's room. I love my Ulrich brothers, and find myself very protective of them.

Thiago...my partner in crime. We're "siblings." At least that's what we told the cops in New York for the photos we took.

Shoh! I can't believe this kid. This semester my roommates and I thoroughly enjoyed having him over for tea every Wednesday night (in the dorms, the only night during the week in which boys are allowed over are Wednesdays). He is a walking wikipedia application, so I always enjoy getting the details on little things that no one else but me or him care about. He probably knows. And what's better? He has a huge, considerate heart and has made quite the positive influence on me at an important time.

Brandon Lee. What an incredible friend. He has so consistently offered his resources and friendship to my roommates and I. For example, he fixed Emily's hard drive, saving her a butt-load of money, and giving up a good chunk of his Saturday before finals week. That's a sacrifice. And he gave me medicine and copious amounts of cough drops when I was sick, and he lent us his car so we could move into our new house at the end of the semester. And he prays for his friends. I am so blessed by him, and its really fun to be around him.

Jaso...well, that was a surprise. Just because he's a Talbot grad in philosophy I should hate him, but we actually get along quite well and he isn't a jerk (leave that up to me and my initials). He's much nicer than most people, actually!

I usually kind of...I dunno, have my guard up against my guy friends, and feel like girl friends are so much safer, but this is kind of what happened this semester. Mostly thanks to Chorale and New York. I can't imagine if I had never joined. What a dull semester it would have been.

2010-06-01T04:56:00.000+02:00

The semester is over; time to reflect. So I came to my blog again, and saw that my most recent entry is about asking a guy out. I think I ought to continue on the subject.

After some thought I realized that my experiment is a bad idea unless it is a guy I really am interested in. Wouldn't it feel bad if someone asked you out simply for a social experiment rather than because she or he was at least interested? Also, it needs to be a man I am interested in so that I am actually nervous.

To remedy this, I set my sights on someone. I had seen him around, and he had shown at least interest in talking with me. The semester ended a little too fast and I never really got/made the chance to ask him out, and spent some time feeling awkward and nervous about the idea when I did see him. This is probably part of what guys go through.

I think I may abandon my social experiment at this point and let him do his thing, because while I was getting food in the caf for the last time last Friday, he walked up to me and asked for my phone number. I was giddy. I hope he follows through so we can get to know each other.

New subject: I am grateful for my roommate, Emily. We've been living together for quite some time, and both of us have certainly changed in that time. I see living with the same roommate for an extended period of time as a gift, but also as a discipline. We go through phases as individuals and as friends. Second semester freshman year she was difficult, and first semester sophomore year I was difficult. We have the opportunity to bear with one another through thick and thin, and I think it grows each of us. Plus, we have a rich friendship to gain from it. Right now I think I have some changing to do, and living with her is helping me understand it. While we were packing she felt like I was being passive aggressive, and I was sensing something was off from her. I brought it up and asked if I had done anything that was causing our slightly uncomfortable dynamic and she was honest with me and told me that she couldn't tell if I was upset with her or not. This was a surprise to me. We kind of put stuff out in the open and left it. Anyway, I may have some bad habits in the way I communicate, and today she asked me what I meant by something I said, and it shed light a lot of confusion for us because this particular form conflict is a recurring one that has a different subject every time. Basically, I am excited to learn how to be more direct and therefore, loving, as we grow in our friendship and rooming situation. I see where I can grow now and I am thankful that she is willing to work with me. I don't want to be passive aggressive, intentionally or unintentionally!

Those are the thoughts I'll share for now. I'll be reading CS Lewis in the meantime.

Jess

2010-05-15T08:56:00.000+02:00

Last week was "Gender Reconciliation" week here at Biola. It got me thinking about a number of things. Now I am reading the book "Ruby Slippers" by Jonalyn Fincher.

Anyway, one of my thoughts: why shouldn't a girl ask a guy out? Are men really meant to be leaders in relationships? Why? And what does it mean if a girl makes the first move?

First off, let it be said that I don't have a single love interest that I am hoping to pursue a serious relationship with at the moment. I certainly have a few guys that I find interesting and attractive, but for the most part I'm still rocking the being single thing. However, this has not kept me from going on dates, because dates can be casual and healthy.

Okay, now to my point: I am considering picking a guy and asking him on a date. I find it to be pretty easy to go on a date with someone who asks me. He chooses where we go, he drives, he pays, he clearly wants to be there with me because he asked, so I don't have to worry about making an impression on him so much...when I think about asking a guy on a date, all of that security goes away. It is up to me to come up with the place, the money, the conversation, and I do not have that automatic assurance that he is slightly interested in me. I want to ask a guy on a date because I want to feel what a guy feels when he asks a girl out.

2010-04-04T19:25:00.000+02:00

This is a dream:

I was driving home, and this couple was riding on a cushion that drove like a car. Somehow I suddenly had one too, so I kept driving. As I was getting ready to turn onto HW 43, I noticed the person in front of me waiting at the light. It was a young little girl sitting cross-legged on the pavement. Alone...on the pavement?! I picked her up, turned around, and rode my magic cushion to Peets to figure out what to do. I wasn't sure how safe it would be to take her on my lap on 43, not to mention I wasn't sure what to do with her.

pivot point

2010-04-01T19:31:00.000+02:00

I yelled at someone. Well, you could say I "spoke" as firmly and as loudly as I could without yelling, but lets just say I yelled, because that certainly gets the mood accurately. I yelled. I exposed my anger and defended myself, expressing exactly what I wanted. I didn't accuse him person or tear him down. I aggressively said, "Don't! You have entirely crossed my boundaries, and DO NOT do it again." It was a firm, clear command, and of course it is up to him to choose what he does with that and his reaction is entirely his choice, but I told him exactly what I want, and I did not hide the anger in my voice. I felt this strange sense of freedom in defending myself.

I've never done that before to a peer. I know I spoke that way to Robbie a few times, and growing up I know I had interactions like that with my mother and brother (Dad and I have never really had conflict), but to have that kind of interaction with someone outside of the family was entirely new to me.

I'm glad I said what I thought and expressed my feelings rather than just taking it. I was clear, direct, and firm...and honest.

Turning point for me. What an adventure, learning how to take care of myself.

2010-04-01T02:25:00.002+02:00

Through magnifying windows
peer loving eyes
and a wanting soul

hair sits not quite where it is told
my complexion is gently ornamented with redness
and tweezer escapees firmly stand in my brow
No powder or cream adjusts this wild masterpiece

attire is simple and soft
In it I feel very much
like me.

2010-03-25T01:17:00.000+01:00

Today I had a hard lesson. I wouldn't say it was a "bad" lesson, or a "frustrating" lesson. It just showed me HOW MUCH I HAVE TO DO! But I think having a positive attitude that helps me keep moving forward is the only way to beat this. I am not incapable.

My pre-recital is in three weeks and it is going to take me a lot of work to get my music ready by then. My Aaron Copland set and my Mignon sets are going to be okay, I think, but I have a LOT to work on with my aria. I'm just going to tell myself that I CAN do it, but it is going to take a lot of work. I'm half way there, but the next half will take a lot of work too.

Voice is not nearly as hateful as a thing to me now as it was a month ago. I am starting to feel more comfortable with choosing how I want my voice to sound, and I care less about the consequences (trust me, this is a good thing. I was freaking out). Also, I'm practicing much more, and am learning to fear less. As a result, I am developing a tone that is pretty good!

Chiaro scuro, baby!

2010-02-21T06:01:00.000+01:00

I am feeling pissy right now. I wasn't before, but I just practiced, and now I am particularly frustrated.

My voice hurts after about 30 minutes of singing. This is an indicator that I was doing something wrong.

I don't know what I was doing wrong, or how to fix it, and this semester I am putting on a recital where I need to do the things I was incorrectly attempting to do this evening.

I want to quit voice and do something I like. I like voice, but I hate how it makes me feel when it goes wrong, and it goes wrong so often.

2010-02-18T07:37:00.000+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4CYUGwKy18
I woke up with this song in my head
It came again later.

Adjustments

2010-02-13T22:51:00.001+01:00

I'll admit it.

Coming back has been difficult. I wouldn't label it the ever-expected "re-entry shock" or "reverse culture shock" that they warn you about when you study abroad because I've been back in the states for over two months. This all started once I got back to Biola. Didn't want to be here, and then all kinds of challenges have presented themselves. I think its "Biola re-entry shock."

I've been met by my dear, dear friends here, which is what has softened the reality of not being in my beloved Portland anymore surrounded by like-minded flavor and nature lovers, with a state park within minutes of my front door.

The classes are great. I joined chorale. The people are fantastic. But there have been some unexpected challenges that have proven rather taxing, and then some intellectual/heart wrestling matches, on top of a reading-heavy work-load. Oh, the other difficult variable: voice. It has been SO frustrating switching back and forth between ideologies. Today was a great practicing session. I just have to go easy on myself and not get so stressed and negative when my body isn't acting the way I'd like. Half the time so far practicing I've just wanted to give up. I'm going to push through it.

Anyway, lots of great things, but lots of very difficult things. And of course I haven't gone in-depth, because just about anyone can read this.

Oh, and I must mention: God has my back and my heart, and He is directing me and taking care of me and my thoughts.

Teeter Totter Stop

2010-01-30T08:55:00.000+01:00

I teetered to and fro for hours in a familiar totter named indecisiveness" and then realized:

I do this every time I have a difficult decision to make.
There is not a right or wrong for the matter.
There are only implications and results for each option I could choose.

Then I asked myself, "What do I want?"

I answered, "To go to New York and sing Erik Whiteacre pieces while he conducts. To see the Met, to be with all of my friends, to be in chorale."

So I chose what I want, even though it is, in fact, the harder path.

Time to get real cozy with the practice room.

2010-01-30T01:56:00.000+01:00

Decision making time. Right now. I don't have "time" to think on it or sleep on it.

I have been re-accepted to chorale, but I am also putting on a Jr. Recital this semester. Chorale will be a massive time-suck, but also an incredible opportunity because my best friends are in it, and there is an Eric Whiteacre NEW YORK trip that involves premiering some of his works at Carnegie Hall.

My voice teacher has advised against me joining chorale so that I can do a better job on my recital. She thinks it will be in my best interests to take an easier semester for this purpose, but she says if I really want to do it she will not stop me.

I am so incredibly torn.

2010-01-29T02:48:00.001+01:00

I'm home! Well, at one of them at least. Yesterday I got into Biola and unpacked. Now I'm pretty settled, and somehow everything has a place. Its a nice triple, and we are making it our own.

It has been incredible to see friends that I have missed for so long. It has been difficult to adjust to Biola's climate though. I really have a thing for Oregon, and similar places.

The Grand Canyon trip is not happening, and I'm glad, because I think I really do need these few days to take it easy from all the work and adjustments so that I'm ready when classes start at 8 AM on Monday.

2010-01-27T11:01:00.000+01:00

Sometimes people ask, "describe where you're at in once word." Right now, or at least for the last few months up until now, my word is "experiencing."

It has been all about experiences. I am on a mission to experience. Whether it is a new concert, a new country or monument, whatever the adventure, I want to try it. The way I see the world is more open-minded at this point in my life and I think I'm putting my feelers out there to see what I think about things. Its really been exciting. Active spontaneity.

So its back to Biola tomorrow. There is a great new app on the iphone with which my dad and brother and I can play scrabble together, in spite of being in three different states. Pretty happy about that. My things are all packed up into two bags and two light carry-ons...I'm moving again. It feels weird, and I don't like how much stuff I have even though I'm not really bringing THAT much stuff.

Well, I really am just rambling. Today was incredible.

PHOENIX

2010-01-25T10:19:00.001+01:00

That was an incredible concert. Full of new experiences. Worth the 30 dollars...we shouldn't have been able to get those tickets for that price.

We got there...the opener was HORRIBLE. The lead singer was actually the lead mono-tone, minor 3rd yeller. The treble was up way too high so it hurt to listen and you couldn't make distinctions between the parts at all. Just white noise. And they kept playing, and playing, and playing. STOP!! When they said, "this is going to be our last song" they got the loudest cheer from us that we had given yet. Then we waited about a half hour while the real reason we were there got set up. This was a much better experience than listening to that opener.

Phoenix. I couldn't believe they were on our stage. I wished that I had gotten to see them in Mannheim when they were there while I was in Germany, so this was an even better alternative, I think. I got to share the experience with my bestie Kaitlyn, and I wouldn't want it any other way. It was such a good concert...

Highlights:

We got really close to the front...close enough that I was one of those gaga girls who reaches out (and succeeds) to touch the singer when he crouches down and sings up close.

At one point the guitarist's D string went out of tune, so I told Kaitlyn. Within seconds I saw him tuning it, and her friend said, "how did she know?" Kaitlyn responded, "she's a music major." Its funny to me the things I listen to that most people don't care about. They probably have more fun, but thankfully, tonight's performance let me have just as much fun. It was musically a great experience.

This guy behind me was kind of dancing with me for a bit. After some debate, I decided I didn't mind. He was cute, but when push literally came to shove, I ended up in the front with Kaitlyn.

This other guy who was pushing me and everyone else around looked at me and said, "I'm sorry if I'm crowding you. I'm on ecstasy." Kaitlyn said, "he's harmless..." and really, he did seem harmless and nice. He and his friends were just having a great time (I can see how all the crazy lights would enhance the rolling experience). Anyway, he told me I was pretty once or twice, which was sweet, but definitely motivated Kaitlyn and I to kind of act like we were dating. At the end of the concert somehow he ended up with the guitarist's pick. He was SO excited. On the way out he was about ten feet away, and he got my attention and held out the pick out to me. "For me?!" I said. He was still holding it out, so I took it, arm still outstretched and asked him, "are you sure? I think you might enjoy it more than me." (he looked so excited when he got it). Then he said, "you can have it if you give me a kiss on the cheek." I thought about it for a split second and told him, "I don't trade" and held it back to him, and then he told me I could just have it. That's the last I saw of him, and now I have Phoenix's pick! How funny! Kaitlyn said he's probably going to be bummed he doesn't have it in the morning...whoops. So I think I'll make a necklace out of it.

My ears are still ringing, and its been two hours since the concert ended. I think my only regret is neglecting to bring earplugs. Thank goodness we actually got to go, because I planned my flight back to school around this concert. A great way to begin wrapping up my 7 weeks at home.

2010-01-24T09:29:00.000+01:00

I got angry at customers today. This couple came in wanting what I thought was 1/2 pound of decaf and a 1/2 pound of regular...turns out, they wanted something totally different and even though I had repeated the order to the guy, they didn't stop me in wasting a pound of mixed coffee that I didn't want. I had to fight with myself to keep a healthy perspective instead of just being frustrated and angry. Unusual for me...I'm generally pretty darn cheery.

I have a new favorite place in Portland...HOP Works. It's a great, sustainable, organic brewery just across the Ross Island bridge. I love flavors and tasting, and beer is no different to me than wine, chocolate, cheese, coffee, or my beloved tea. Mom and Dad and I went today, and it was really a precious time. We talked and laughed and tasted (drank) and ate. Now the three of us (plus Rivo) are all hanging out in the family room together, relaxing.

Time in Portland is wrapping up very well, but sooner than I expected. I have been here for over six weeks and it really feels like three or four. I wonder how much I've gotten done in this time, but I don't want to worry about that. I've read, I've spent time with friends, I've supported Leslie in her recent engagement, I've worked and earned money, I've indulged myself in chocolate and music, and I've learned new music. It has been a good time and it is great to have some time to settle back into the states and rejuvinate after a long stretch of hard times.

I think Portland is beautiful at night. It often strikes me when we are on the road. Apparently my favorite building is called the "Coin" tower. I am not sure why.

Well, that's all for now.

2010-01-22T03:27:00.000+01:00

The other day while I was stirring coffee behind the counter I realized I want to start blogging again.

I've been home in Portland for six weeks now, and I'll be back in LA in less than a week. Its been a huge blessing to have a job and replenish some of my spending from Europe, but I am finding that my spending habits are hard to contain after allowing them to be so liberal.

For example, I bought a coat. A black pea coat...half off, and I've been wanting one for years. And its a nice coat. Oh, and I bought clothes, since I wore mine out. And I bought bath stuff so I can take delicious baths. Entirely unnecessary, yes, but so wonderful. I've bought plenty of nice things, whether they are things or experiences. Coffee shops, nice chocolate, good beer with a friend, whatever it is.

I am realizing that it takes energy and intention to be spontaneous. I want to live a spontaneous life. This also costs money. For example, while it is incredible reasonably priced to go to the grand canyon, it'll cost probably 70 dollars each person. And all the classical music I am going to see this coming semester...I'll probably spend 60 or 70 dollars on that. The Phoenix concert I am going to on Sunday...30 bucks. Having a job is important to be able to experience life.

I've been spending a lot of time playing music...and buying music. Owl City, Phoenix, Regina Spektor, Muse, etc...I'm getting to know non-classical music for once, and I'm totally enjoying it. Love it. I see people around me who know so much less about music than I do writing beautiful, heart-felt songs...so what am I doing with what I have? Following the rules and getting good grades. TIME TO DO SOMETHING CREATIVE! Spend energy being spontaneous. So, over the last week I taught myself how to play "Samson" by Regina Spektor. It's been such a thrill for me, although I'm sure my mom is tired of hearing the same chords clumsily played for hours on end. Practice makes headaches!

Also, I've been pretty intentional about exploring ideas about God. I've been in touch with Neil Mammen, who has so graciously provided me with materials to search out what I believe about the origin of the universe. I am so grateful to him for his help, and I am glad that I can struggle my way through these questions. Its interesting to me how different life feels when I am not blindly confident about what I believe. I'm excited to "make my faith my own" but it certainly can be a daunting process. It has come with a lot of pain for me. I think I am starting to understand that it is more reasonable to believe that God exists and is a personal God than to believe that there are infinite universes out there, or that one universe exists entirely by chance and happens to have the ability to support life the way it does...that does seem far fetched...and if given the option between believing in God, or in one of these alternate theories, I'd rather believe in God. It makes more sense, my personal experience agrees with it, and it just seems right to my heart...and when you can't completely prove anything, but one explanation seems to make the most sense, why the hell not go with it? Especially if it has good results in your life.

If I really do think I am solid on my foundation there, it is time to start investigating the Bible and Jesus a bit more. We're building from the ground up...tough process, but hopefully a foundation that lasts a lifetime. I don't want blind faith in something that may or may not exist. I want reasonable, rational faith that supports the rest of my experiences, because as far as I am considered, my personal experience isn't worth more than anyone elses to truth unless it can be backed up by truth.

Right. Now, that was quite the outpouring of word.

2009-12-18T12:08:00.000+01:00

It could have been two years ago that I was in Heidelberg. That's how it feels. And oddly enough, it has been less than two weeks since I returned. I find that shocking. It startles me.

I wonder if I am going to experience the "reverse culture shock" thing. I am experiencing no sadness at being back. I am just as shocked that I was in Heidelberg just ten days ago now as I was then when I realized that I was leaving the place.

I have amazing, accepting, loving friends here in Portland. I am really glad to be back.

Home life.

2009-12-13T08:17:00.000+01:00

Well, I can't figure everything out now, all at once...in fact, I can't figure everything out ever. I might as well not spend my un-figured out moments unhappy. I'm making an effort and that's all I can do right now (or ever, right?), and it takes time to grow and to understand.

I'm home from Heidelberg. It was an incredible trip overall, although I certainly found parts of it challenging. Being home has met those challenging parts and filled them. I expected to be pretty upset and have a hard time adjusting, but I fit right back into my spot here in Portland and I'm having a blast doing so. I love Portland, and I don't feel so out of the loop here. There is more room to be myself, it seems.

I went to tea with my Aunt a few days ago, and it was a treat. I had some things in common with her that I didn't know about until then. Its odd, because we get along great and we had never gotten together one-on-one.

I've also spent copious amounts of time with Kaitlyn, and loved it. I'm so glad she lives here, and it seems like it is better for her. Its great to see.

And working at Peets is great. I might even have some music students back.

I think it will be a good break. It'll have its ups and downs just like the rest of life, surely, but it doesn't seem like its going to be BAD.

OH...my best friend Leslie got engaged on Saturday. This is the first of my close friends to get engaged. Crazy...this is happening. I'm practically a grandma people are growing up so fast.

2009-12-07T06:06:00.002+01:00

I'm leaving.

One hour and ten minutes.

I am going to see about having some quality time with me and Heidelberg now. Say our goodbyes.

<3

2009-12-06T17:15:00.000+01:00

Well, Hello World.

14 hours until I leave the delicious European city of Heidelberg, Germany. When we were starting this adventure I wondered how I would feel when I was leaving, and I couldn't imagine it. Everything seems normal, almost as if I am not experiencing it, or it isn't anything extra special that I"m packing up and leaving. We washed our room, packed our things, and tomorrow we are getting on a plane and after twenty four hours I will be in Portland, Oregon again. Thankfully, Portland is one of my favorite places, ever. I am sad to leave this place. I am sad that I won't be able to walk 2 minutes away and end up on the most beautiful old bridge staring out over the water and potential sunset. I am sad that I won't be able to eat Brezel regularly anymore. I am sad that that I won't wake up each morning, make myself PG Tips and then walk outside of my room through a rudely creaky door to grab milk from the group fridge while I'm still in my pajamas.

I'll miss struggling with myself and my tears and my confusion here and the feeling of loneliness that I had. I think that's crazy to say that right now, but it was just another way to experience me with myself. What I wanted for this trip was to "settle into myself," and as vague as that is, I think it really has begun to happen.

I'm still not figured out. In fact, I have a ton to think about and reason through, and but I have made headway on these things. Who knows how long it will take.

Heidelberg, thank you. It has been a journey and an adventure, and I am glad for it.

2009-12-04T16:19:00.003+01:00

I have gained 5-10 pounds while I have been here, and I am glad for every pound of it. Every spoonful of nutella, every bratwurst, every carbo overload because I haven't had the time or money at hand to give myself a well-rounded meal, every chocolate bar, and every bowl of quark and granola first thing in the morning...so worth it, because every pound I gained is really just a pound of pure excitement that I got to experience in Europe. Every nutella crepe was worth it.

And yes, my pants still fit.

2009-12-03T16:41:00.000+01:00

I am taking my first B since 2007 in my German History class. This is epic.

2009-12-03T10:38:00.000+01:00

The test I have in an hour and a half is worth 40% of my grade for the semester. I have a B+ in the class for the other 60%. There is an overwhelming amount of information in this test and I don't know how I will do, but I assume I will do at least alright.

All that said, here is my most likely chance to have a B for the first time since first semester of college. I'm glad I did it abroad if it happens.

2009-12-02T14:01:00.000+01:00

Okay. Pet Peeve:

When I'm talking to someone, and based on their body language or verbal responses it is clear that they don't care to listen.

This is especially clear if the person says, "oh, that's cool" before I've finished the thought.

Even if I don't care what the person is saying, I care about the person and that's why I listen. I know its important to her, and therefore it merits critical listening and I can at least put effort into understanding.

Drives me nuts.

2009-12-01T15:09:00.000+01:00

Christmas Market's sale strategy: pure genius.

At the end of November every year Heidelberg holds a "Christmas Market." Various street vendors selling goodies and treats and gifts set up booths in the central areas of the town and hold market every day throughout the Christmas season. This sounds lovely and normal, but what makes it genius is the "gluhwein."

Gluhwein is "hot wine" or "spiced wine." You know, people serve it at parties around the holidays. At the Christmas market they have little green mugs that come with the wine, so it adds this festive feel to the place. Everyone has their gluhwein in hand as they peruse the goods of the market.

People are much more likely to purchase things they don't need if they are slightly intoxicated. Brilliant, Heidelberg. Brilliant.

European Coffee-Shop Culture

2009-11-28T14:51:00.000+01:00

Sitting in Yilliys, my new favorite cafe, I realized something: I am really going to miss European cafes.

You walk in and pick your seat; you stay as long as you like because you are paying for the space as well as the drink. After a few minutes someone walks up to you and asks what you want, and they serve you on a platter. You are given a ceramic mug and it is well-presented, say with a chocolate or a little cookie on the saucer that holds the mug. Then they don't talk to you until you ask to pay. There is usually relaxing music playing and people sitting there doing the same thing as you, and there isn't the constant hustle of people zooming in and out to feed their caffeine addiction on the go. It seems that people take care of this at home on their own, which makes sense, because in most households I have visited here there is a home-owned espresso machine.

I don't know, its just a calmer atmosphere and I am pretty attached to it. I've found a few places that are like that in Portland, so I guess I'll be going there, but for the most part, coffee shops serve to go and you have to ask to drink it "for here."

Also, Opera. Opera and classical music is a very common thing in Europe and it seems that a lot of people partake in it. This is how they intend it to be. To get decent tickets at the Heidelberg Opera is only 5.60 Euros...ten bucks for a great show. It seems like in America listening to classical music is a bit less available due to cost. I like that it is cheaper here. Also, I think the higher demand of opera here influences the way it is produced. Out of the five operas I have seen here, I think only one of them was period (and that was Vienna State opera house...tickets cost four euros for standing tickets). It is much cheaper to do period productions because the costumes and staging can be more minimalistic and attainable. I think this makes it so they can do more opera, because they pay less to produce each one.

I appreciate these things. Sitting in Yilliys today I realized what a great 24 hours I had just had. I did homework in a cafe, walked around the Christmas market, hopped on my bike and watched Rigoletto at the Heidelberg Opera, and then woke up the next day and went back to a cafe to study. What a lifestyle. Its too bad I only have a week left of this, but I'm going to enjoy it for all it is worth, and then make Portland an experience in itself.

Jessica

In development

2009-11-26T11:45:00.001+01:00

"Hey Jess, do you know _(insert music group here)_"
"No, I don't think so"
"What about ____?"
"No. Educate me."
Basically how it goes for me.

I don't go out of my way most of the time to listen to music, but when I do, I usually listen very intently and have my "analyzing" ears on. If I'm doing something else, music distracts me, and when I do listen to music, I usually want to give it my full attention. I have a lot I think I need to do in a day, so it usually doesn't get time.

But I LOVE music, and I love learning about it and understanding it and soaking it up. I'm probably more interested in classical music than whatever it is people are listening to, but I'm getting more open minded.

Also, people use music to alter their mood, say if they are depressed or whatever emotion they are feeling. I'm not sure how I feel about that so I generally shy away from accompanying my mood with music. I don't want to unnaturally alter how I naturally am, and I recognize that music has power to do that.

I find performing worthwhile for those moments that the music is so internalized within me that I am just a part of the music. I don't want it to be me singing. I want it to be an outpouring the essence and meaning of that song, from my soul. Those moments are amazing.

I really like learning music history and understanding the way music progressed, why, how, and being familiar with the music from each epoch. I can't wait to learn more.

Just a few thoughts.

2009-11-25T01:59:00.000+01:00

Tonight I did NOT want to go to ensemble. I was trying to think of any excuse I could muster to validate my desire to bail on the last rehearsal we can attend. To my dismay, we decided to go (of course). And then the director put us in the front row.

Turns out, I'm sitting next to a really interesting, kind-eyed girl named Caroline who speaks really good English. I'll write the rest of this later...I'm going to bed.

2009-11-23T08:27:00.000+01:00

It is exactly two weeks until I come home.

I would like to say, I am happy to be single. I treasure my singleness right now. It means I have room to be myself and figure things out in freedom without that process having implications for anyone else. It means I have to think for myself. No one else will do it for me. Being in a relationship, for whatever reason, can infringe on these processes.

The cons
- no cuddling
Haha.

I came to Germany to get away. I planned this trip soon after second semester last year started, and due to recent events I thought I just wanted to get away, try something new, and have space. Of course, there was a plethora of reasons as to why it would be a good idea, but that was the catalyst. This trip has surely had its struggles for me, but it has also been rich.

2009-11-22T13:24:00.000+01:00

Remember that nuttella I bought on my birthday a few months back when I first got here? What a blessing my binging has become! While I have had the self-control to refrain from purchasing another jar of that goodness, the jar I used before is now what I use to make my meals. I can steam brocoli in it, and right now I am cooking rice and quinoa in the microwave with it. Tavia and I just returned from Heidelberg's Calvary Chapel and I'm just waiting on lunch to cook. (I have less than two euros to my name until we get our food money tomorrow morning after German class...so this is what its like to live paycheck to paycheck). We rode our bikes there and back along the Neckar river, which remains one of my favorite things in Europe.

I enjoyed church today. During worship I thought a lot about musical worship, and also vocal technique, but also participated. The message was about generational curses and how that whole theology doesn't really matter because we can appeal to the Lord for His loving nature. The pastor has quite the heart...you can see it in his eyes. They are clear, free, secure, and pure. There is a passion in them that is rare to see.

It was just a peaceful few hours.

2009-11-21T19:32:00.001+01:00

Today I woke up really, really happy and stayed that way for hours.

Today we went to Speyer, a nearby city that is famous for its pretzels. I had one and it gave me heartburn, but before it gave me heartburn it was incredible.

Today I felt ready to go home for the first time this entire trip. I no longer have that feeling. Feelings, you know?

Today we climbed several flights of stairs up to an airplane in a museum and rode a metal slide back down. That was ridiculously fun, and the sun was beginning to set.

Today we ate a delicious lunch: chicken over vegetables and rice. But imagine the best-seasoned, most delicious vegetables and the tastiest, best-textured rice ever. Chicken was so/so.

Today I got some thinking done. I don't know if I accomplished anything aside from continuing to realize what a happier, freer person I am right now than I was one year ago (and I like it, so, SO much).

Heidelberg

2009-11-20T17:42:00.000+01:00

Beautiful day, beautiful day! I woke up around 9:20 naturally, finished some homework, chatted with a friend or two and even got to video talk with my friend Erika. I am so filled with LOVE!!!! when I get to talk with her. Shameless exclamation points for her.

Then I hung out with this guy Charles who I met a few months ago here. We've been talking about getting tea for a while, so we finally did something about it to make sure it happened. And it didn't happen, but grabbing doeners and then walking around the castle and along the river was way better. I really enjoyed spending time with him. He is a fellow verbal person, and I found it refreshing to be myself in the context of spending time with him, and also to just be free to talk and listen in a way that is familiar to me. All that goes to say, it was fun, and Heidelberg was beautiful. Sun shining, the water glorious (I even put my feet in the river), and the view from the castle was magnificent. Why haven't I gone up there more often? Oh, and then we shopped because he said he's a good shopping buddy. I showed him a jacket that I've been thinking about and we concluded, no, not the best idea. He was right.

Now I'm back in my room with some tea and a book for my class, and I'm trying to comprehend how it got to be two weeks before I go home. Next week is my last week of classes, and then the following week is finals. After that there is one more weekend, and BOOM. I'm home, and jet-lagged.

Reverse culture shock. Will I cry?

I miss my mom. I just want to have a good chat with her. I'm craving it, but she and dad are sick in bed so I haven't been able to talk to them as much. They usually don't get sick at the same time and both end up in bed. Maybe its an empty-nesting thing. Kind of cute.

the study-abroad attitude

2009-11-18T11:27:00.002+01:00

Things I am going to take home with me:

Apfelshorle
Bratwurst
Enjoying the outdoors; being around rivers
the study-abroad attitude

The study-abroad attitude is one of soaking up everything the world you are in has to offer. It means taking advantage of any opportunity to travel and experience and learn. It is thriving on life.

Why not live every semester, summer, year, or moment that way rather than just the "study-abroad" semester? I met so many Europeans who have been to the Grand Canyon and New York. I, an American citizen who goes to school seven hours away from the Grand Canyon, have never been. I don't see any reason to stop seeking adventure just because I return home.

I want to be more active when I return. I'll hike around Tryon Creek more often rather than just when I have a guest and want to show Oregon off. I'll go find a new coffee shop to sit at and read even though it'll cost me more than if I went and got the discount at Peets. And in 2010 I am going to the Grand Canyon.

Life can be such an adventure if you make a little effort to move.

2009-11-17T13:02:00.000+01:00

Söhne Mannheims, or, The Sons of Mannheim. A popular German rock group.

I saw them last night, and I was amused the entire time and now consider it to be a cultural experience. Now I know what Germans like to listen to. Also, I am far more motivated to go to classical music concerts than to rock concerts. I like the atmosphere more because places that are loud and crowded just aren't my favorite.

Germans can be pretty big on PDA, especially during romantic songs at rock concerts (or on trams). A lot of the people around me get grossed out, but I don't allow myself the liberty to do so because it'd be a bit hypocritical. Okay, no, never in any relationship have I made out in public like I see here all the time, but whether it's been my boyfriend (what boyfriend?! Oh joy!) or my girlfriends, I'm a touch person.

My Amaryllis is in full bloom. Growing these holiday-blooming flowers is a practice I think I will continue for the rest of my life. It teaches me patience. What a blessing. There is even a small chance that this one will yield five blossoms.

ATHENS
An incredible trip. More to come, because for now I need to wrap this up. The semester is slipping away from me quickly and I have a lot of homework to do.

2009-11-11T16:13:00.001+01:00

Today I paid one euro to yawn. Our class (and I contribute to this, obviously) has an issue in our early class with yawning audibly, and in German culture this is outstandingly rude. Now Andrea is having us pay one euro for every audible yawn (and think of the exchange rate) and at the end of the semester we will go out for hot chocolate with the money. I'm not too sore over losing the euro for this reason.

On the way back from voice lessons today I decided to walk about and explore Heidelberg a bit. I ended up at the organic store, "Al Natura." Surprise, surprise. At the organic store I found a certain gluten free drink made from rice and I bought it because I was so intrigued. Due to the nature of this drink I was not permitted to bring it back to my room (but perfectly permitted to consume it outside of the pension), so I tried to open it on something outside...foam was spilling everywhere and the cap was not moving much. Next thing I know two Germans are at my aid and they open my soppy bottle for me. Kind of embarrassing, but not enough to bother me. I just laughed at myself and tasted my interesting beverage.

I explored the Holy Ghost Church cathedral before getting back to my room, and got a nutella crepe :) It was a good exploration.

OK, some thoughts:

I do things a little differently than I used to. Lets take confrontation, or any sort of interaction or action that involves relational risk. I used to be very, very careful and overly concerned about having perfect actions. Since then I have started to understand that not everything is black and white (not to take away from the fact that some things are) and maybe I ought to try things instead of not try anything due to fear of failure or complication.

Examples:
Do I want to go to Heidelberg for a semester?
Why not!?
Should I confront so and so for the way their actions affected me, or let it slide?
Give it a shot...if it messes things up, it messes things up, but at least you tried.
Do I want to try this new, obscure food that looks kind of weird?
Yes, of course.
I'm not sure I'm supposed to go back there.
Explore.

I don't think things will get worse than they have been for me in the past, so its okay for me to experiment a little and see what I think of things.
I'm starting to realize that things are what they are and there is no "right" choice 100 percent of the time. True, maybe I shouldn't explore places that are potentially "off limits," so there's a potential adjustment in my thinking...BUT, that aside, I'm glad that I'm learning how to let things be and not worry the way I used to.

Paris showed off for us

2009-11-09T01:11:00.000+01:00

Just got in from Paris today. I think we all decided this was our best trip yet! The details worked out flawlessly, at least as flawlessly as details ever do.

Day 1: The Bastille, The Louvre (to look outside), Champs Elysees, Arc de Triumph, Eiffel Tower (just to look), the Louvre

Day 2: Versailles' gardens, the inside of Versailles, and went UP the Eiffel Tower

Day 3: Notre Dame, back to Heidelberg.

I ate the best croissant I've ever tasted in my entire life this morning. And I have a shnazzy little beret to wear. Everything was so beautiful. I believe Herr Dr. Luft may be correct when he says that Paris is the most beautiful city in the world. At least as far as man-made things go, I agree...so far :). We'll see after Athens next weekend.

2009-11-04T14:15:00.000+01:00

"To know freedom does not take twenty years. It takes generations"

He told us about how Eastern Germany is not as high-quality as Western Germany. He said the sky is bluer here, and that the people here are better. He went on to explain that the iron curtain fell only twenty years ago, and that the people there were poor and oppressed before.

What he said hit me hard. I can't really put my finger on why. I guess after being there last weekend and taking in the feel of those cities, and then going into museums with images of people caught inside the iron curtain it hit home. I saw artifacts from the time, and I walked inside of Leipzig's Stasi (secret police) headquarters, which has since been turned into a museum and had a tour telling me exactly what they did. I held destroyed Stasi documents in my hands!

This great freedom came during my lifetime and the people of East Germany are still learning to live in it.

Highlights from a Tuesday Well-Spent.

2009-11-03T23:44:00.000+01:00

To my dismay, there was no room. Not only was my favorite table taken, but every other one too. My home-base cafe was full. I went cafe-shopping at this point, and found one on the street that leads to the old bridge. Ever heard of Puccini's La Boheme? Well, there's a little cafe called La Boheme, and the green tea there is pretty tasty. I can see why Puccini decided to name his opera after this little spot. I sat in there for a few hours and wrote in my journal, ventured to open my bible, and studied for the history test I plan to conquer on Thursday. The woman who worked there was very nice and very pretty, and she talked with me in German for a little bit. It was really exciting for me to get to talk with her in only German instead of switching to English! I paid twenty minutes before class was going to start and rushed straight to the old bridge instead of class. It was SO beautiful, just like it always is.

I exercised self-control and made my way back to the Pension so I could grab my things for class, and as I got there I saw Karl Friedrich sprinting in the general direction of history class. “Are we late?!” I yelled after him. “YOU’RE LATE!” he said. I was a little shocked because my internal clock was telling me I had five minutes or so, and also, I still had to go and get my stuff for class. In Germany, being late is incredibly rude and I really like this professor. So it was to my great relief when Karl told me I had seven minutes and he was giving me a hard time.

I was basically giddy in class. The combo of being in a café, drinking tea, being productive in my studies and thinking through life-questions plus getting to be on the old bridge for a few minutes just had me twitterpated with life.

The other highlight was walking back from choir in the rain. I got drenched and I loved every minute of it.

I feel like today was a day well-spent in Heidelberg. I only have four or five weeks left, so I want to make sure I do go to cafes to study, and I want to make sure that I go stand on the old bridge and watch a sunset or just gaze off at the fall-colored hills and the glassy water. I want to go up to the castle a few more times before I leave, and I want to do Philosopher’s way again.

Eastern Germany: unexpectedly amazing.

2009-11-02T00:14:00.001+01:00

It was the perfect synthesis of what we have been learning in German history and music history. We visited so many museums, which was more exciting to me than ever because I had such a good foundation for understanding them and was suddenly so riveted by learning new things and seeing with my own eyes. I walked where Bach walked and listened to a liturgical service with one of his cantatas in his church, Thomaskirche. It made him and the other greats seem so much more human and real, knowing he walked up those steps every day that I myself was climbing.

Warburg in Eisenach. This is where Luther was "kidnapped" to in order to prevent his death during the reformation. I saw the room where he translated the entire New Testament into German. I thought it was amazing to see these hills that he saw every day, and to walk in the same places he walked. It made what I have been learning in class seem less distant and even more exciting.

I'll leave it at that for now because I have some sleeping to do before taking the German test tomorrow morning.

Oh: Phil Domfeh challenged me to go an entire day without saying the word "tasty," and I failed.

2009-10-28T23:45:00.003+01:00

The last few days have been full of thoughts. I had a few great conversations that impacted those thoughts, but essentially I've been realizing how different I am and how that works sometimes. Rooming with Tavia is great because we are so different from each other it helps us understand people who experience life through very different glasses. I feel a need to talk about stuff when I experience it, and she is a bit more internal. I feel the need to squeal and clap both hands (individually) when I get excited; she's a little more mellow. Neither of us really understand the way the other person works, but both of us are more than willing to accept that the other person is they way they are. I think it is a pretty cool thing and we both have an opportunity to learn quite a bit from it, and we have been. We had a great conversation about it just last night. :)

Voice lessons are going well now that they have started again. I'm finally starting to make the kind of sounds Lucy wants, and while it does seem like baby steps, if she is right, this could free me up to sing so much better in the future. I am itching to sing for realsies though. I love singing (although sometimes I hate it because it is so complicated and impossible).

We booked our hostels for the next two trips after the one I leave on tomorrow. I am so excited to go to Athens. Our hostel is 2 minutes away from every huge tourist attraction we could want to go to (the Acropolis, Plaka, Hadrian's Arch, Temple of Zeus). And can you imagine? The beach in Athens? Twenty minute bus ride away from our hostel. Should be night and day different from London. I am just thrilled...I have clapped my hands individually several times tonight out of excitement.

Tomorrow we go on a group trip to Eisenach, Weinmar, and Leipzig. We are essentially following Bach's footsteps around. It is a group trip lead by Yvonne, which means we don't have to figure everything out ourselves. Sounds really nice since we're traveling alone the following two weekends (Paris, Athens).

I love my mom, and I am so grateful for her. She was the other good talk that made me think.

A Weekend of Joys and Crises.

2009-10-25T17:19:00.002+01:00

I hate writing blog entries this long because I feel like no one will want to make it through. But Mom and Dad will!! :-D

London.

It tried us.

Before we had even left Germany or flown we had a layover.

I suppose it wasn't really a layover, but we got to the airport five hours early due to the scarce amount of shuttles to and from Heidelberg. So we left the Pension around 2:45, got to the airport around 5:20 (18 euros out of our pocket for that shuttle) and finally lifted off around 10:00. The flight was just over an hour long, and Tavia and I spoke with an interesting guy named Daniel who lives in Germany with his wife but is from London. He told us why it is stupid to believe in Evolution, and that it is very important that we save sex for marriage. We bid our new friend Adieu and faced our next challenge: we had to figure out another shuttle to get us from the Stansted airport to London. Figured it out. We arrived (after waiting a while longer and figuring out how to exchange our euros for pounds so we could purchase tickets) in Central London around 2 AM. Then we spent the next hour walking around Victoria station trying to figure out which bus to take, which we did. Problems: no exact change to purchase tickets, rude/inconsistent bus driver. Solutions: purchased hot-chocolate with large bills and saw some very high girls in sequined dresses yelling at the barista, new bus with new bus driver. So we rode our new bus an hour to an hour and a half all the way to our hostel (which was way out of the city because we booked our hostel late). We told our hostel we'd be checking in around 1 AM. Not 3:50 AM. We were so relieved and impressed to find our hostel manager had waited up for us. It was such a relief, but his personal nature got a bit intrusive later.

The next morning we woke up at nine.. Oh! Left a big detail out from the night before. On the way to the airport Jess looked at her return ticket and realized that it was different from all of ours. That was a freak out moment. Of course she was very stressed about traveling home from a foreign country to another Foreign country alone very early in the morning. And that becomes a complication in itself later.

So we got out of the hostel and found the most delicious breakfast place we've tasted so far in Europe (understand that I eat the equivalent to yogurt and granola every day to save cash). This was such a highlight! The Lithuanian woman who worked there was so kind to us--we ate there two days in a row and she gave us hugs when we left. I ate "the English Breakfast" which came with two eggs, a sausage, bacon, beans, toast, tomatos, mushrooms, and a cup of English Breakfast tea with milk. You could also have a latte instead for the same price if you wanted. And this delicious meal cost a grand total of 4.20 pounds. Unbelievable.

We rode the bus all the way to central London and saw some amazingly pleasant things, like old men giving up their seats on the busses to older women. Many Londoners are so kind! When we had a map up or were looking for directions at the bus stops, often people would approach us and ask, "do you need help finding something?" in a lovely accent. This made up for the rude bus driver the night before.

So we went to Kensington Park and wandered. This was one of those times where my heart jumps out of my chest every time my eyes see something they deem beautiful. I didn't realize I was going to London to take pictures of the sky, trees, and water, but it was perfect. It is turning into fall over there, and I never get to see fall happen at the right time (or much at all for that matter) in LA. We wandered from Kensington Park into Hyde Park, and from there we went to Buckingham Palace. Photos do this justice better than I am willing to with my words right now.

It got dramatic again after this. We were trying to make our way back after the palace, so we started to look into the bus routes again (don't ask us why we didn't take the undergound...we've gotten enough grief for it already) and somehow Jess lost 45 pounds out of her pocket. So we searched everywhere and finally gave up and left. Jess and God had a little chat in her head on the bus on the way back and He calmed her heart and let her know that He would take care of her no matter what. I think that lesson is worth 45 pounds.

So we were back at the hostel for night number two. Tavia and I were brushing our teeth in the women's bathroom (which means no men, right?) and the manager of the hostel walked in to check on us and make sure everything was okay. Uh, no sir...do you have a tampon? Yeah, thought you would.....and a few minutes later I was back in there gargling salt water and he came in 2 or three times in those 5 or 10 minutes that I was in there...so we were glad not to be staying there a third night. A redeeming quality though was this woman named Alexandra from Sweden who was staying there. She and Tavia and I had a lovely chat about American culture and the perceptions thereof with her. She said we don't fit the stereotype she and many europeans have in mind, which sadly, is a complement.

We ate breakfast the next morning with our Lithuanian friend at the Garden Cafe and took off to get into our next hostel. We made it after another long, long bus ride and then waited a while for Jolene's friend to meet up with us.

Big Ben, the London Eye, the Westminister Abbey, Parliament, etc etc! We saw it! See the photos. We parted with Jolene's friend Sarah (who is studying at Oxford this semester so came out and visited) and went back to our hostel. We were getting the busses down!

So, this next night was going to be extra complicated because we needed to wake up at 2:30 in order to get Jess to the Victoria Coach Station by 4 AM so she could catch her shuttle to the airport. Remember how her ticket was earlier? Yeah. Jolene had a fever so Tavia and I escorted Jess. First we got on a bus going the wrong way. This took extra time, so we were racing to get there. We corrected things enough, we thought, as we got off at our planned bus stop only to find that the bus stops going the direction we wanted were scarce and unclear...and it was only a few minutes until 4 AM. We ended up running eight blocks from Hyde Park Corner to Victoria coach station, and when we got there Jess didn't even get to board her shuttle because we were five minutes late. It worked out though, because there was a 4:15 shuttle, so we sent her off on that one.

Alright, problem solved, right? Well, no...Tavia and I still had to get back to our hostel and our bus passes expired in fifteen minutes. I only had two pounds on me, so I didn't really want to purchase a new one.

Lets just say that we got back to our hostel around 6:30 AM. And it was 4:20 when we started trying to find our way back. We went on our busses illegally and just hoped that the drivers wouldn't look too closely at the dates. I don't even want to re-live it. It wasn't that horrible...just lots of running from bus station to bus station and re-tracking our steps or having the right bus NOT stop for us multiple times in a row. And finally some kind men and bus drivers giving us clear directions. When we finally got to our desired bus stop we couldn't remember how exactly to get to our hostel, so that took extra time, and Tavia had to pee in a painful sort of way. But we made it and slept until 9:30 or so...at which point we had to get out of our hostel for the early check out time so we could begin our 10 hour travel day back to Heidelberg.

Why 10 hours when the flight is only one hour? Well, the only shuttle we could take back to Heidelberg left at 8:30 or something, and our flight didn't land in Germany until before 6 PM...so we had a layover in our destination country. All of us feeling sickly by this point.

So we made it back! Exhausting.

That was such a crazy weekend. I'm not sure I brought out the joy/crisis nature of this trip in my writing, but I feel like everything was either really hard, or really amazing. It was probably worth it because the joys were incredible, and while the crises were trying, they certainly did teach us some good things and build us up.

I can't wait to be over my cold.

And I might add one more thing: it took me three nights after being back to stop dreaming about London transportation.

2009-10-23T14:14:00.000+02:00

I want Pu-Erh tea.
I love dark chocolate.
I enjoy reading about natural remedies and health things and trying them out.
I am part of the no-poo movement and enjoy that a lot too.
I am not constipated, in case you were wondering.
I enjoy being outside.

My favorite place to watch a sunset is on the Old Bridge in Alstadt, Heidelberg. You can see the mountian/hills on either side and the reflection of all of it in the water.

I think Portland is beautiful at night. I have a picture of it on my wall.

I love water and being near it.
I haven't bitten my nails in over a week, and I haven't had to try.
I enjoy writing in this blog.
I still haven't written about London.

This is Beautiful

2009-10-22T19:25:00.002+02:00

My Shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy’s sake,
In paths of truth and grace.

When I walk through the shades of death
Thy presence is my stay;
One word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.

The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise.
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.

Isaac Watts

2009-10-22T15:50:00.000+02:00

I just had a 1 on 1 with Brice, our RA. We went to my home-base cafe and chatted over tea/croissants. Good croissants, I might add.

I told him at one point how it seems that our group is a bit impersonal and does not want to go beneath the surface, and I also talked about how I know my personality can be a little difficult for some to take (which I don't understand...I like me and my friends like me!). I was just astounded by it, because the way this group acts sometimes is so contrary to the way I think about things or naturally react. A few weeks ago when I was really struggling everyone saw me crying, and the first person to acknowledged it and check up on me did so four whole days later. Maybe they thought I didn't want to talk about it, or maybe they thought that it would be awkward if they did, or maybe they didn't want to deal with anything. I can understand wanting to give people their space and not being in the way, but this seemed extreme. I don't know. I'm grateful for my friends back home whom I can talk with. I'm so grateful to be rooming with Tavia, because she is very comfortable going deeper and wants that for our group too. Jess and Jolene are more open too. It isn't all bad. Its just kind of astonishing that we've lived in the same house together for almost two months and I barely know my next-door neighbors. Brice seems to be suggesting to all of us to have 1 on 1s with each other, and I'm intimidated to do so. Of course, if I do it (which I think I am challenging myself to do) I will ask someone to go have lunch with me who I don't know very well (and don't know very well because I sense that they don't have a desire to go further than we currently are).

I guess what I'm realizing is that this hurts. And I think I'll let it hurt, because that's a much better option than pretending to myself that it doesn't.

And I'm going to do a 1 on 1 even though I'm scared of being open with people I feel don't like me, because I think that's one of the only ways to change the situation. I know me. I'm worth getting to know, and I suspect they are too.

A plethora of things

2009-10-21T11:23:00.000+02:00

I just swallowed the last bite of my beloved weekly bratwurst. Every Wednesday there is a little farmers market outside our street, and the most delicious bratwurst booth is there.

Last night I was really not feeling well and was beginning to think I may have an ear infection. My right ear/sinus/throat area was just a mess! I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 1:30 having not slept well at all (and found myself dreaming about London transportation for the third night in a row), so I stayed up until about 4:30. In that time I studied for the midterm I have in 45 minutes, wasted time on facebook, and chatted with my mom :). And I took care of myself even though I couldn't sleep. I remember praying really hard that I would get better by morning before I went to sleep the first time.

Anyway, I went back to sleep around 4:20 or so and I woke up some time later drenched in sweat. I wasn't awake enough to put it together that my fever had broken, but in my half-awake stupor I was thinking something along the lines of "if I am going to sweat every time I go to sleep I don't want to sleep at all" and then conked back out. Yes. So I woke up at eight and my ear-infection feeling was gone. My voice is shot and I'm coughing, but I am so happy to have the ear troubles done. And now I realize, answer to prayer? :-)

I got a 96% on my German test that I took on Monday. I did not feel confident at all and had no idea how it would turn out. I'm pleased. And the conducting midterm was good too, because I got a 90%. I was starting to feel like I might be slipping academically, but I guess that is not the case.

Also, I am getting excited about German history! I am so enjoying learning about the history here and how it influences Europe, and it is so interesting to see what was happening in Germany prior to WWII that would prime the scene for everything to happen. Right now we are learning about the age of Otto Von Bismark. He was cunning and manipulative. There are lots of streets here named after him (Bismarkplatz).

I'll write about London later, after I take my test. There's a lot to say about London and I've been putting it off.

every day life

2009-10-20T12:40:00.000+02:00

I want to write about London, but I don't have time right now because I have homework, so instead:

We aren't allowed to cook here, but we are given 10 euros a day to spend on food. This is very generous. In London we bought groceries for most of our meals instead of eating out in order to save money, and I am bringing the principle back because I want to use a lot of my food money as travel money.

I'm really pleased with myself! I just finished eating cheesy rice and lentils with red pesto (red pesto being sun-dried tomato pesto). I'm hoping to figure out the best way to steam vegetables with our microwave, and I found canned lychee. Yeah, that's random, but its so tasty.

Half of us girls here are sick. We're all congested and feeling pretty icky.
And I've received a few amazing letters lately, and it really lifts me.

London stories and photos (which will be on facebook) to come!

4'33"? I can play that in my sleep!

2009-10-14T15:39:00.000+02:00

I feel exhausted even though I slept plenty last night, and I have the vitamin C, salt-water gargling and neti-pot usage going full force. My throat is hinting that it wants to be sore (you know that scratchy throat thing) so I'm doing anything and everything I can to make sure I don't come down with what everyone else had. I'm leaving for London tomorrow with three amazing girls. I do not have time to be sick.

We are going to see Heidelberg Philharmonic tonight.

So, on the menu:
John Cage: 4'33"
Beethoven: Piano Concerto No. 5, Martin Stadtfeld, soloist
Brahms: Symphony #1 in C minor

Looking forward to this!

Herr Dr. Luft

2009-10-13T19:31:00.000+02:00

Our German history teacher gives a little devotion at the beginning of each class. Today's could not be more fitting. As much as I could, I took notes verbatim.

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living"

In the same way, the unexamined faith is not worth living. You’ve got to win faith on your own. And then, if you are just taking a system and applying it because it is you’ve been told, but you don’t question, examine, and make it your own, it is not necessarily a very deeply rooted faith. Faith is also like a roller coaster. There are times when you have lots of it, there are times when you have little faith, there are times when you doubt. And that is the time you examine your faith, and my experience is, every doubt crisis that you come through leads to a stronger faith if you work through it. So doubt becomes something to be grateful for, because it allows you to reexamine your faith and come up with a stronger footing. I Cor. 11:13: "when I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put childish ways behind me." So in the faith we also have to show growth and we also have to become more certain by more introspection, questioning, and seeking answers. I had a family, they were almost like parents to me when I was a student there in California; they had two daughters, one was Judy and the other was Carol. We would talk religion and they knew I was studying for the ministry. Carol said to me, "you know Herbert, I might give evolution a chance if it wasn’t for the fact that men have only five ribs instead of six on each side." I asked her, "where do you get that?" and she responded, "oh, I get that from the Bible. God took a rib out of the side and formed Eve out of it...so men have one less rib than women." Men have the same number of ribs that women do. So she has taken something in a very child-like manner with a logical conclusion. But if it remains unreflected you can end up with faulty belief.

Stronger belief: Praying, reading scripture, and being active in doing good. Especially the last one. I think we can spend so much time in self-reflection and examining our navel as we call it in German... I think a lot of it takes care of itself.

"All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correction, and training in righteousness so the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."

***

How fitting.

2009-10-13T12:41:00.001+02:00

I remember when Obama came into office. It wasn't long ago. 80% of the facebook statuses on my mini-feed moaned in dismay (I go to Biola; there are a lot of conservatives), but I found myself thinking, "a lot of people are clearly very happy about this. I think I'll sit back and trust their judgment (since it seems to have already won) and see what happens. Its possible that I am wrong here. " I have taken a much more neutral stance on political things since high school because I've been second-guessing myself and my knowledge. Do I really understand economics enough to know if capitalism or socialism is better? Perhaps, but I'm not sure, so I've withdrawn and want to learn more (although I am realizing now that being neutral is very comfortable and once there its easy to stay there...so I'm quitting my thinking retreat. This is in parentheses because it is a bunny trail.)

Back to Obama. Last night my opinion stopped being neutral when I watched this video. The things the nurse said are very convincing, and I am amazed that our president holds that stance. He must not value human life very much, which I just can't understand. OR, maybe it is that he really is trying to be consistent. He's okay with abortion, and he doesn't see any magical change that takes place in the baby's humanness when it leaves the womb. Therefore, why not let a freshly born baby die? Its not different from an unborn baby, and legally they can be aborted. Or maybe he thinks people don't become human until they can reason, but then I'm concerned that some adults I know may not be human...

Whatever the case may be, I find it very disheartening to have such a different view than him on something I see as a human life issue. Very disheartening. I am jolted into having an opinion.

sun set

2009-10-13T00:59:00.000+02:00

Tonight we were walking back from the mensa (cafeteria) and I stopped into the grocery store to pick up some breakfast food to tide me over until we leave for London (Thursday!!). I stepped back out of the city markt and looked down the Haupstrasse and saw that way off in the distance there were pinkish/reddish lines stretching across the few inches of the horizon that I could see between the buildings. That was my cue, and I knew exactly what I was doing. I walked straight to the Old Bridge, which is my favorite place in Heidelberg, and as soon as I got there my view of this amazing sunset started blooming. Each step I took I had a better view, and it was breathtaking. I'm surprised I made it back alive it was so breathtaking. I kept wishing I had a camera, but I told myself some things just need to be kept in the memory. And also, a camera can't really capture what eyes and memory can. Its always different because its a camera seeing it and not the 3D every-direction panorama that our eyes offer us. I can take all kinds of gorgeous shots with my eyes that are better than any photography ever will be, and those shots are just for me because no one will ever see them just as I have. We all can do that.

This sunset was amazing though. I'll try and describe it for you.
First off, I watched it over the waters of the Neckar river. There are hills on each side of the river and bridges in the distance. The colors were concentrated near the water, and more rich in hue than I am used to seeing in a sunset. It was photo-perfect. One of those rich, coral sunsets with a wash of warm orange heading up into the softened, darkened blue. Breaking up the rich coral were dense charcoal clouds a bit above the water, and above those were some longer, wispy clouds that were also grayish. This was all reflected in the water, and framed by land on each side of the water. The water itself was so beautiful, speckling and wavering its vibrant reflection. There were so many images and colors splashed across the water; I have never seen the Neckar so beautiful.

I had a sweet time standing on that bridge in the cold watching the sun set. It took up just about all of the time I had allotted for homework. . .but something tells me that those are the moments I will want to keep from this journey in Heidelberg and it was worth taking my time.

2009-10-11T14:48:00.000+02:00

Its getting harder to blog, because the things that I have on my mind are not necessarily things I want to project to the whole world. Some things are better for one-on-one conversations. At the same time, this is part of my experience here and I want to be open about my struggles. I didn't expect my story here to take this turn, but if good will come from it I welcome it. And I suppose I don't have much of a choice.

Today we went to church. Four of us, at least. I decided that I would keep going even though I'm questioning because I want to make an effort in pursuing my questions. Why not do that through church? So I went, out of faithfulness to seeking Truth, which I still don't quite understand how to do (but really hope I am doing). We all sat down and I started journaling during worship. Then I opened my little book that I keep records of my experiences with God. After a page or so I began to think about something my mom said to me recently. She wrote me a message after going to a women's conference of sorts that said that she is fully convinced more than ever that I am the apple of God's eye, and that He is big enough to handle my questions and will be patient with me and what I need. I started thinking of that (and this was just as worship was ending) and I started crying. How amazing would it be to have a God like that, who loves me so much and is even patient and loving enough to handle me questioning Him? So much of me wants to embrace that, believe it, and run with it, but at the same time I have all kinds of hold-ups that keep me from doing that. When I was younger I had no problem, but things have changed somehow.

I did my best to keep my tears to myself...you know, letting my hair cover my face and keeping to quiet little sniffles just when I thought something was going to drip from my nose. Soon enough Phil leaned over and said, "are you okay Jess?" And I kind of shrugged. Sure, I'm okay...not ill or anything. Yes, my heart is hurting. No, I don't know how to explain...oh yeah, we have to be quiet because we're in a church service and I can't tell you any of what I just thought. And maybe you don't want to know all of that anyway. . . So I shrugged and let him see my eyes and he understood. Although the one way to get me teary all over again is to ask me about it. Somehow having attention on pain makes tears come all over. This time I got up and left for the bathroom. I sat there on the toilet lid for a few minutes in tears, but then I heard someone come in so I hushed up because I didn't want to be noticed. It was too obvious when I blew my nose, and soon enough I heard a "tap tap" on the door. "are you okay?" So I opened up and showed my face and tried to kind of explain what was going on. She asked if I wanted a hug and I said yes, so she held me and I cried. I always want a hug, and there is quite a deficit of hugs over here in the Pension Jeske. She asked if I wanted to talk and we went out from the bathroom and sat down at this little table outside. I told her of my confusion and my struggle and why I started crying and how I feel like my understanding of Jesus has become so intangible to me. She listened for a bit, and then told me about her experience with Jesus. She told me how she was very passionate about Him when she was young, and then moved back to Germany and began to drift away from that, much because everyone here is so much more closed than in the states where she was. Eventually she thought Jesus was only a myth. She said that things weren't going right in her life anymore and it was getting darker and darker. One day she asked Jesus to be her friend and tried praying again. She said she had no idea what she was doing, staring at the white wall in front of her asking Jesus for friendship and to break down the walls in her heart. But apparently He was and is faithful to her. She told me situation after situation of love that she has experienced from Jesus, after each one saying, "that's Jesus." "I haven't found love like His anywhere else in the world." She mentioned how easily we are offended or hurt, and how our reaction is to push others away...but Jesus doesn't do that, even when we hurt Him. He always accepts anyone who comes to Him, no matter what.

Hearing her examples of Jesus' love was so helpful to me, because Jesus has become so intangible to me. I can understand God, I can understand the Holy Spirit (because I have had some tangible things that are pretty sweet happen because of the Holy Spirit) but for some reason I've been getting confused about who Jesus is and how He ties into all of this. Reading the Bible seems dry and difficult for relating to Him. But hearing about this love that has calmed her heart and affected her and realizing that it is Jesus' love makes Jesus make more sense. He stands for something radical and different, something loving and attractive. A gentle, patient love. I want to experience that and I want to be that.

She didn't hide from me the difficulty of learning to live in Him. She says it is the hardest thing she does, and the best thing she does. And you've just got to hang on and believe when it gets hard, and He always comes through.

Tavia came out of the service and sat with us, and she prayed for me. My mind when from being completely tuned in to being disconnected and questioning again during this prayer. My questions are not gone, I am still confused, but I know that I want this love and this God. I want so badly for this to be true, and I'm just trying to find out if it is.

I started to understand today what a bad understanding I have of God's love. I've been fearing that by questioning I might put myself outside of His love and promises. Fearing that questioning Him could mess up my standing with Him. It has made questioning incredibly scary for me. But Tavia and I were talking after church about the disciples and Jesus, and how Jesus knew that all of His disciples would deny Him before He died. And they did. Peter denied Him three times in one night, right as Jesus went to die for them. Yet even though they already knew him, Jesus still loved them and accepted them. It gives me hope if all of this is true, because if this story is true it means that Jesus can still love me and welcome me if I question Him, even though I have already known Him. I did not understand that about God's love.

I guess what got me crying in the first place is the idea that God could love me unconditionally even while I question Him. And my understanding of the Bible changed today so I could understand that the Bible says that is true. I sure hope the Bible is true, because I want to love this God. I need His help to get through this.

:)

2009-10-09T13:49:00.000+02:00

I slept nine and a half hours again last night. I think this is a good thing, and I hope to pull it off again tonight. It just means going to bed before midnight and not setting an alarm. I'm hoping to develop superhuman abilities by sleeping...you know, because most people don't do it enough, maybe I can become superior by sleeping enough.

I went to tea/coffee with Dr. Schwarz and his wife today and we talked about the Bible. He says that deep down, it takes faith to believe anything, whether its the Bible or atheism, and that you cannot 100 percent prove anything. He and his wife encouraged me in my questioning and also encouraged me to be persistent in prayer and reading the Bible, and persistent in seeking Truth. I like this idea because 1) I can do this, and 2) there isn't pressure on me to produce positive effects from these activities...I think sometimes I feel a lot of pressure for results or to make things work a certain way, but deep questions and character things don't necessarily find answers or change overnight. Maybe this is going to be a long process for me, and really, it already has been.

I have freedom to question, and responsibility to seek answers. And also, I can talk to God and tell Him what's going on. He already knows, but apparently He wants to hear it from me. Which I appreciate. I always appreciate a good listener.

Yeah, if you want to make me feel loved, get me talking and listen to me, and ask me questions to help me talk through things. That, and hug me. A lot. Unless you're a guy, because then I'll think you're hitting on me and perhaps feel uncomfortable. Maybe not so uncomfortable if you're cute. But don't hit on me.

2009-10-08T14:00:00.000+02:00

Things are looking up inside. I had nine and a half hours of sleep last night, tea this morning, conquered my history test (25% of our grade, I'm sure I did B or better), and now I'm setting my teeth into a delicious falafel from Yufkas. So far they aren't being creepy or aggressively trying to get us to drink alcohol with them, so for now my loyalties go to Yufkas to meet my Mediterranean food needs.

I'm glad that history test is over, and I'm glad it stopped raining. The rain felt really good while it was happening, but I'm happy the weather is just how it is now. Soon enough its going to be consistently weathery here. I purchased a pair of nice boots for my birthday (thanks Mom, thanks Dad!) and broke them in on the Austria trip.

I don't have much to say, but there is very much on my heart and mind. Lets just say sleep did me well.

resolution

2009-10-06T12:07:00.000+02:00

I can't think of a more perfect time to receive a package filled with letters from loved ones.

After due struggles, last night before falling asleep I realized that I don't have to abandon my current system of beliefs just because I am questioning. What was freaking me out so badly was the idea of having my foundation slipped out from under me, and I thought that because I was questioning I wasn't allowed to stand on it anymore. But I believe, until I am otherwise convinced, I can hold to my current beliefs and trust them. Its okay if I want to investigate Jesus and the Bible and I can continue believing them as long as I don't realize they are false.

deeeeep breath.

I am going to take a nap now.

2009-10-05T22:59:00.000+02:00

I've had a hard night. Lots of tears, most of which I don't quite even understand, but revolving around how overwhelmed I feel with questions and my ability to answer them.

Confusion.

But then I contacted a friend of mine who is often experiences similar things as me and told her where I'm at, and she gave me two apologetics websites. I'm reading through them and feeling more at peace...not because I feel like my questions are answered now, but because I feel like I can do something and make progress, and it isn't this hopeless, confusing questioning without answer cycle. This is actually me doing something instead of just getting overwhelmed. I have questions that do in fact have answers.

Oh but my heart and my eyes are tired.

2009-10-05T13:08:00.000+02:00

I was just sitting here eating dark chocolate and thinking about how glad I am that I have short hair and that I am single. It isn't that these things must be associated with each other...but I have so much personal freedom right now, and I need that and want it.

A boyfriend or something would make absolutely no sense right now because I'm thinking about a lot of things, and being emotionally distracted (which is not a bad thing) keeps me from spending energy thinking about deeper questions.

Last time I was in Austria and those places in Europe we went on chorale tour I was majorly questioning my faith and why I believe what I do. It was actually a pretty dark time for me internally. At the end of second semester freshman year I had come to the conclusion that I needed to figure out two things: what I believe about the Bible, and also who the heck Jesus Christ is.

After having taken time to emotionally deal with the relationship I got out of eight months ago, now I am settling into myself again and realizing that it is time for me to tackle my questions. I do not want to do this apart from God, and I most certainly do not want to do this with fear. It is a daunting task and it freaks me out.

It was ironic, because our Austria trip went, in order, to the two cities that I visited in Austria with chorale two years ago...and internally on this trip I was experiencing some of the same things I did two years ago. What brings me encouragement though, is that I am making progress and am moving forward in these pursuits.

But if you pray, please pray for me. I don't think I can do this alone.

2009-10-04T22:55:00.000+02:00

You know the fruit Lychee? I love it. I paid too much for a little carton of lychee juice tonight and enjoyed it so much that I'm craving it. Thank goodness Raja Rani is closed, because I might have another carton of it right now otherwise.

I just got back from Salzburg and Vienna. I am so tired, and I still need to do my German homework.

I feel like this photo album walks you through my trip better than only words...so check it out and click on this link for a blog field trip!

Going to the Opera...amazing. My feet have been swollen all day from walking and having standing tickets at the Vienna State Opera house two nights in a row.

But it was quite a weekend. I never thought I'd end up back in Austira, and not only did I go back to the two cities I visited before, but I actually got to do all the things I wish I had been able to do last trip, and also re-visited all my favorites, even on accident in some cases. It was a very good trip. And Vienna was really all about opera for me. Most of my time was spent in Mozart museums, eating, or going to the opera. Only four euros for standing tickets...the only catch is in the title. You have to stand in a cramped, small place for three hours after waiting in line an hour to an hour and a half before the show starts. It is so worth it though! The operas were so educational for me, and they were pretty different from each other, and I was riveted the whole time. The voices at Nabucco were SO HUGE.

Okay, more thoughts to come, but I have homework and I'm pretty pooped.

A highlight for me was receiving facebook emails from a few close friends...very out of the blue, and really encouraged me.

2009-09-30T01:42:00.000+02:00

I love Leon and Laura

just got off of skype with both of them

and they love me too

2009-09-29T23:45:00.000+02:00

You know, according to the little planner in my head, right now I am supposed to be blow-drying my hair, washing my dishes and the shirt that I am currently using as a towel in my hair, and hopefully getting ahead on my German homework due in a week so I can enjoy traveling, but I haven't written about Switzerland at all and I'm about to leave on another trip in about eight hours (that was one sentence). What will last longer? Well-groomed hair while traveling, or my thoughts in this blog? The answer seems obvious, but I assure you, I will have both and sacrifice sleep instead. Thank goodness that not all choices are dichotomies.

Switzerland got me thinking. I think country hopping like this is getting me thinking. Its just that there are so many different cultures and structures in which people live, and I realize that once I graduate, I am not very tied to any particular culture, and maybe the only reason I'm inclined to live in the states is because I am familiar with that culture and understand the way it works. I wish I understood the ins and outs of each country I am visiting: the way the government works, what it is like to have a job and live there, what the common worldview is in the area, etc. I think as a tourist or a short-term resident who doesn't pay taxes it is easy to romanticize a place. I think Heidelberg is great, but what does it really mean to live here? Just something I've been thinking about.

Also, in Switzerland, I decided that I am going to move to Colorado after I graduate. I don't believe I've ever been outside of an airport in Colorado, but it seems like a good place, apparently it is cheaper, and I don't really see why I shouldn't spend a year or two there. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life or what I want to aim at, so maybe I could try a few things out there and have a roommate or two. Maybe I'll take some language classes or see if any other subjects strike my fancy. Apparently people there do ride their bikes to commute, which is something I've been thinking I might want to do, especially since Heidelberg (we ride bikes everywhere), and it is a beautiful state! I'm realizing that as long as I have the color green around as presented in nature, and so long as the sky is not polluted, I'm a pretty happy camper. Throw in a river or two and I'm excited! I don't know--I just like living in that kind of climate.

I haven't really told you anything about Switzerland yet. But I spent much of my time there thinking, and also much of my time taking photographs.

Zuerich is an interesting city. Most people walk instead of drive (a parking spot costs 500 swiss francs a month, which is the equivalent to 500 dollars), and everything is expensive. A tall latte at Starbucks is about 7 dollars, and I have photographic evidence. So think of everything you want to buy, and then realize that it is twice as expensive in Zuerich. Wikipedia told me it is the fourth most expensive city in the world.

The Zuerich tourist needs to know three things: Swiss watches, Swiss chocolate, and Swiss cheese. The watches are easily 25,000 dollars in all the windows that we window-shopped, and the chocolate is quite tasty. Swiss cheese: I learned that Swiss cheese is not necessarily cheese with holes in it. That is but one type of Swiss cheese, and there are many many many many other kinds. All of which I tried I found absolutely delicious. I am, in fact, a proud member of the Biola Cheese Society.

I think the most memorable part will be the hike we took through the alps. We went to a lake that had mountains on either side of it and we hiked through. It was beautiful. I took too many pictures. There was so much to see even though we were kind of staring at the same thing the whole time. It was hazy and blue and the mountains blended in with the water. . .wow.

We found a beautiful little chapel, and Jolene is going to get married there. Says she.
I mean, that's cool.

I think I'd rather just stare at the Alps all day.

Some people go running or play music at these times...I blog.

2009-09-28T14:05:00.001+02:00

I think people should keep live plants around, and I think that people should give each other dark chocolate if they care about each other.

I'm also considering moving to Colorado when I graduate, and I have no idea why, and I have never been outside of an airport in Colorado. But I'm dreaming :-).

And for the record, I am eating dark chocolate right now. It is hard to do homework.

Today Herr Pfiefer (the owner of the Pension Jeske) handed me two letters, both of which were from my dear friend Katie Hamacheck, whose name I am never sure if I spell correctly. The oddly shaped one was a birthday card which has made me laugh several times since receiving it, and then there was a Katie Hamachek (trying a different spelling) classic-decorated envelope with two heartfelt letters inside that I haven't even let myself fully read yet because want to treat myself when I deserve it (and as I am blogging right now and not doing homework, I don't deserve it). I am so impressed at her insight and honesty, and I love having a view into her thoughts.

Every card I have received while I am here I have hung up on the night stand/fire escape stairs by my bed. I appreciate cards right now more than I ever have. Usually I don't know what to do with them and put them in a box or a pile in a bag and then only look at them every time I think I need to throw stuff out. You know how it is...all those precious things you realize you have and that you MUST continue to have when you you do some deep cleaning in hopes of throwing things out. Imagine, if we never cleaned and tried to throw things out, we would never experience the nostalgia of reading old cards! I suppose they are meant to be kept out and looked at, and finally I am helping them to fulfill their purpose. Therefore, if you want a card well-used, send me one with a sweet message and I will put it to proper use.

I'll write about Switzerland eventually soon. And we are leaving for Austria on Wednesday, so there will be that too.

Much love, my friends.

prayer please

2009-09-28T11:41:00.000+02:00

I have plenty of thoughts and experiences to write about from my weekend with Jolene in Zurich, but right now I'm feeling down and those words aren't at my fingertips.

This last weekend while Jolene and I were out of the country, a girl on the trip with us named Heidi left to go home. Her father was dying of cancer, and he passed away while she was on the plane home. We are all concerned for her and praying here, and it also feels a bit weird here. Maybe her roommate will be moving into the room with Tavia and I so she doesn't have to live alone downstairs.

Please pray for Heidi and her family.

Surround me in music

2009-09-23T13:42:00.001+02:00

Some highlights, or positive things I am happy about or looking forward to.

Last night I went to the Tuesday night chamber group. Didn't really want to go because I heard it is kind of a lame group, and also that we don't get to perform with them because their performances come after ours. Turns out, they are pretty good, and not only that, but the music they are doing is highly interesting to me. They are doing romantic music, and early Gregorian chant stuff (from around 600-650). Talk about contrast. And when I say Gregorian chant, we are actually reading chant notation. My favorite song we sang was "Christum factus est" by Bruckner. I am falling in love with Bruckner motets. There is really something about singing music in a group that gets music right to my heart. I've been wondering over that, because it really is incredible to be in an ensemble and be part of the music. It usually affects me far more than listening to music, especially a CD. Music starts to affect me once I start internalizing it, realizing the way it works, its structure, and feeling its mood.

Our music history teacher told us that music is "entertainment" and that is what it is worth. Somehow I think that diminishes its true value, and that if his opinion of music's worth was augmented it would be closer to the truth. All that said, I think music is art, which does not exclude entertainment. I do find the word "entertainment" to be limiting, and I think that music can carry great truths or messages that speak to the soul. I liken it to when I am overwhelmed by the beauty of nature around me, or when I have a really, really good cup of tea. Or the joy of a conversation full of understanding, or an embrace where you can let yourself go and be held in love. I felt something like that last night singing in that Bruckner motet.

The first time I heard Bruckner I felt like I was in a boat floating over gray, gloomy waters. Everything was darker, and the swells in the water were rocking me back and forth. And it was just in music theory class, and Trevor Gomes was playing a few chords on the piano from one of Bruckner's symphonies. What happened? How did it take me there?

Today our music history teacher was talking about how some of the composers wrote genius works, but were not necessarily good people. That is also an interesting concept...can something beautiful come from something that is not? I'd have to say, yes. Or, maybe the way I am looking at beauty is wrong.

Also:
In two days Jolene and I are going to Switzerland and visiting her cousin there. We get to tour around Zuerich on Friday (we leave early in the morning) and on Saturday we are going to the ALPS! I am so excited. When she told me this morning that we get to go to the Alps I jumped up and down and freaked out in normal Jesse style, but so much that I felt light-headed. It was pretty fun. So stoked.

OH. One more thing.
Hearing Germans attempt to pronounce Latin is funny.

"Quod" which is pronounced "kwode" becomes "kvode"
"Deus," which is pronounced "deh-oos" becomes "Dee-oos"

I know in America we mess up in other places that the Germans could probably pick out easily, but this was really funny to me last night.

Jessica Kremer, future emperor of the world.

2009-09-22T15:40:00.001+02:00

Have you ever heard me say, "I don't have any goals or ambitions?" Not to say that I'm not motivated, because I truly am. I wouldn't work so hard if I wasn't motivated. What is odd, though, is that there isn't anything in particular that I'm working toward, aside from having options available to me. It works, its safe, I do quite well. Blah.

I'm bringing this up because I've been realizing something as of late: I think the reason that I don't have any goals or ambitions is because I'm afraid of setting a goal too high for me to reach, or afraid of having an ambition that I might not have the money or time or resources to pursue. It's easier to work hard toward "having options later," and I stop myself from believing my dreams could come true, or even prevent myself from dreaming.

Now that I've identified that, I really don't like it. Its a defense mechanism rooted in fear. And when I stop and think about it, what do I have to lose if I pursue a goal and fail? Money, time, potential relationships, etc. Maybe some of that would bite to lose. I dunno. But people have dreams and goals all the time, and they change their minds all the time. There isn't a lot of harm in that.

We've probably all heard the saying, "shoot for the moon--even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

I think I am choosing to live by this for a bit. I think there is a such thing as being too emotionally safe, and maybe its time I dreamed a little.

Yesterday in more detail

2009-09-21T19:20:00.000+02:00

Today we learned new solfege in music history class. I kid you not. Here is my demonstration.

Yesterday we went on a bike ride to the nearby city of Neckargemünd, which is known for its four fortresses. I took 280 photos, and here are 60 of them. I'm not an incredible photographer but the sky and landscape speak for themselves. I was really tired yesterday, but there was so much to see and experience that I decided how I felt didn't matter. My pal Wellington pulled me up with him to the top top top of one of the fortresses. I wouldn't have made it up there myself. Its kind of scary to do the whole arm grab-pull another person up thing. Seems dangerous to me, and I only really see it happen in movies. But yesterday I got pulled up! And was really glad afterward.

That whole part of the day I was in wonderland. The world was alive, and me with it. Everywhere I looked it was green and perfect, whether up-close at a leaf, or off in the distance at this random golden meadow encircled by the Neckar river, which I believe I am falling in love with. The sky was doing that thing it does where a random beam of sunlight makes its way through the clouds so you can see the light rays. If you don't know, I'm a sucker for the sky. In high school one morning I ran up to my friends and said, "You've gotta come see the sky! It is SO beautiful right now!" I was in full-out excited Jesse mode...and they all thought I was saying "this guy" rather than "the sky." Now I'm careful when I say those words.

Sometimes it seems like I came all the way over here to Germany just to get away from LA.

Anyhow, the bike ride was perfect. A little hillier, with the rain tickling us occasionally until it finally let go and fell when we were almost back. I'm really liking this biking thing, although I'm probably in the honeymoon phase right now.

We had a short amount of time back at the Pension, and then we had to go to Heidelpraise, which is a Christian music worshippy thing. I'll just be honest. I didn't want to go. I was tired, not in the mood, thought it wasn't mandatory, had lots of homework, etc etc etc. And while I turned my attitude at least a bit around, I still have mixed feelings about having gone. We were out yesterday for almost 10 hours on our Sunday without much warning. It messed with my homework schedule a bit.

So Heidelpraise was funny. Worship was actually pretty normal and beautiful. The band was really good. They had your average worship style, except that the music was much more intricate. Even when I didn't understand the words they were singing I enjoyed listening to the instruments. Then, we had to sit down and listen to a man speak gibberish for a half hour. I mean, from our American perspective. The Germon sermon...well, half way through, all of our ears perked up because he said something we understood. It was a little shocking, actually. I don't quite know the context, although I can guess, but half-way through the preacher says, "Life is a bitch." Now I understood that part. That's what I took home with me from Heidelpraise.

I don't know what I'm doing over here, or in life for that matter. I still keep waking up and going to bed, thinking and loving. I guess that's what I'm doing in life right now.

Our RA asks us:
1) who are you
2) what is your purpose
3) why does that matter

Sure, I could give you some Sunday school answers
but really, what on earth am I supposed to do with those questions?
Or, how do I make those Sunday school answers come to life?

Somehow I think it isn't about me doing so hard to make that happen. I think I probably need to be open and available to God, keep thinking, and keep breathing and stuff.

2009-09-20T23:49:00.000+02:00

there isn't really any feeling like the feeling of an ankle hug.

and I got one of those today going really fast downhill on my bike

and ate german food.

and then we explored fortresses

Thoughts from a good day and a caffienated sense of well being

2009-09-19T18:31:00.000+02:00

I have really enjoyed today. It has not been an academically productive day, but due to my homework work-horse tendencies, I have a little lee-way. Today has, although, been a relationally productive day. No, I'm not pregnant, but my friendships here are growing.

I sense so much worth in having friends who share their hearts with one another. Helping someone verbally process is a gift of love. Being close enough to do that is having a friend. Having a friend helps the heart.

I found four poisonous salamanders up at the castle last night. The city looks beautiful at night. This morning I went to the old bridge, finally. I think I need to discipline myself to go there often, because I always enjoy it when I do.

I am happy right now. And I feel better than I did yesterday and this morning.

Early this afternoon Jess, Jolene and I tried to put dread locks in my hair, but we didn't have sufficient products and failed.

2009-09-18T11:04:00.000+02:00

I haven't wanted to move today. Yesterday was just too much, so I'm vegging out.

this is a long entry to represent the longest, most ridiculous day I've had yet.

2009-09-17T23:53:00.000+02:00

So far life has been pretty smooth here in Heidelberg. NOT TODAY.

Well, the first part of the day was perfect. My first class was at 12:00, so I woke up at 7 and got a lot of homework done and ate breakfast and had tea and whatnot. Around 11 I went to my favorite cafe and did more homework. Completed the transaction 85-90% in German, which was great fun. I want to make a good relationship with them. I love having regulars at Peets, so being a regular sounds fun. I brought my own plates up to them and tipped, and he noticed both of those things, so that was good.

Class at 12:o0 was good. We discussed predestination vs. freewill. I pretty much believe freewill because it doesn't make any sense to me that God would create people just to damn them to hell. I'm also not one to put God in a box and say that it is impossible for us to have free will and have Him know everything anyway. But this question makes me uncomfortable (which shouldn't stop me from exploring it), and Dr. Luft challenged me today to think about hard questions anyway. Which I have been. We also talked about if the Bible is inerrant or not. This question just kind of naturally came up, but its stuff I've been thinking about for about a week or so, but not really thought about for a day or two. So history class was good. Sadly, I don't remember much of the actual history from class today--just these good questions to think about. And I'm too tired to think about it right now.

So we got out of class, and Jolene and I started looking at buying train tickets to Switzerland. We are going next weekend and we're visiting her cousin. We only have to pay for train tickets! Switzerland. Okay, sure, I'll go to Switzerland. That was my thought process.

Came upstairs, and Jess informed us that we can't go to Athens and London (bought the tickets yesterday, I might add) because our tickets leave on Thursday night, which conflicts with rehearsal for our ensemble...misunderstanding misunderstanding misunderstanding! Agh...so that was dramatic and we were supposed to leave for voice lessons in 20 minutes.

Got to voice lessons. Lucy, our teacher, came down and started rambling at us in German. She's from Atlanta, GA and has an amazing southern accent. We reminded her of the right language, and after she got over the shock she told us we should have lessons at her house. So we hopped in her car and drove to Ladenburg and had our lessons. My lesson was really good...I'm learning music for the semester and everything, but she's basically telling me not to sing unless she's right there with me helping me. She says "you're smart as a whip, you have everything you need...your only problem is that you're getting in the way of yourself...you try to control too much." Which is fascinating to me, because I could pick out those tendencies in my personality easily enough. Its just impressive how connected my voice is to who I am, that even my vocal issues are representative of what's going on inside at times too.

She also told me she senses that I want to be a performer, but that I kind of hold back. I wonder if this is true. Because I keep on saying I don't want to be an opera singer. . .but . . . I have no idea. Part of me wonders if I'm just protecting myself by not wanting to be an opera singer. Maybe I should freaking go for it...

Eh.

So we left voice lessons, got back to the Pension after another bike ride, and turned it around fast to go to Bach Cantata rehearsal. It is the third of five rehearsals for the cantata concert we are all going to see in October, but the three of us voice majors have been offered to sing in it if we can get it together by then. This was our first rehearsal (but the third for the group). Jess and I followed directions from googlemaps, and a four mile bike ride later we ended up at the destination, exactly on time. And turns out, wrong address...or something. I'm not sure quite what happened...I copied the address from the email, and we talked to the people who lived there/worked there and between our poor German and their poor English, we determined that there was no Bach Cantata rehearsal there.

So we biked four miles back. Now I really need to wash my sweater. And we did it in the dark. Honestly, I'm really proud of us. We found a random place in a different city (dossenheimer?) of a different country and even talked with the locals there, and then we biked it all the way back.

Ten miles on a bike for one day. Which isn't a problem...I just would have worn a different sweater. Its actually pretty cool. I like riding my bike, and I don't feel very physically tired from that. I think I could do the Portland ride bikes thing.

Riding back, we decided we needed to go get drinks. That's when we avoided the dude who "wanted to get us piss-drunk so he could take shameless advantage of us." I just quoted Jess, who just said that.

So there's this guy A. who works at the Kebap place on the Haupstrasse. He always gives our group free tea and we really like him, but then he wanted our email addresses to hang out with us. Brice advised us: don't hang out with him in groups of less than three, always have a boy present, and do not consume alcohol with him. Tonight Jess and I went to "Cafe Extra Blatt" which is right across from there. I was sure he didn't see us because we walked right in. Ten minutes after we have our drinks A. walks in and starts pestering Jess to let him buy us shots. She keeps saying, "nein, Danke, nein, NEIN" and somehow he wasn't getting the picture. He gets distracted asking me, and I'd finally caught on and knew to refuse whatever it is he was saying. Meanwhile, Jess and the bartender (female,thank goodness) made eye contact so they both knew we wouldn't be receiving any shots from him. A. spoke with the bartender a bit and ended up handing her a fifty to pay for Jess' and my drinks (which didn't cost 50 euros).

Strike one: It was both Jess and me. Under 3 people.
Strike two: No boys present to protect us.
Strike three: He purchased our drinks, and the content in mine was enough to make it a strike.

He paid, left, and came back a few minutes later. Jess and I chugged what we had left and booked it out of there as soon as he left. Too uncomfortable, and too not-okay. But it was nice to not break my twenty euro bill I guess.

Yeah...next big thing that happened is the best. We got news that there isn't actually a conflict between ensemble rehearsal and our plane tickets to Athens and London, so the trips are ON and my money isn't down the drain.

...That was a disgustingly big entry, and I'm not going to proofread it.

Oh yeah...didn't I come here to study?

2009-09-17T09:43:00.000+02:00

Okay, lets get this straight.

Next weekend I am going to Switzerland with Jolene to visit her cousin. We are taking the train and we'll stay at his house. Leaving Thursday, returning Sunday.

The following weekend we are going on a group trip to Austria. We'll go to Vienna and Salzburg (which is one of my favorite places in the world) and listen to lots of incredible music.

I have one weekend off after that, and then from October 15-18 Jolene, Tavia, Jess and I are going to London. Okay, cool. ??@?@ as in what the hell am I doing?

One more weekend off from traveling, and I get to see Magic Flute by Heidelberg Opera. I think my voice teacher might be in it.

Then, October 29-31 we take another group travel trip, this time to Eisenach, Weinmar, and Leipzig. It's all about Bach on this trip.

A few days later (the next weekend) we go to Paris by train, and the weekend after that (Nov 12-15) we find ourselves in Athens.

The next three weekends will be spent in Heidelberg wrapping up the semester, putting on the final concert, and breathing, of course.

Itinerary

2009-09-16T22:33:00.001+02:00

I envisioned myself accomplishing a lot more academically today than I did. Instead, I spent my time spending with my ladies (Tavia, Jolene, and Jess). I spent three hundred dollars today, which typically would make me flinch. Not this time. I saved up all summer for this.

First we'll be going to London for a few days. We have no idea what we are doing there, but we're doing there. Just under a month later we'll find ourselves just next-door in the ever-famous Paris, France. We get to take the train there. And finally, one week after we exhaust ourselves in Paris, we are flying to Athens, Greece.

I have no idea what we're going to experience in these countries, and I had very little forethought about where I would actually end up on these allotted travel weekends. I just knew I wanted to end up somewhere. I thought maybe Italy and London, and now we're going to Athens. Tavia and I had wanted to find the best pizza in the world, which is supposedly in Naples (which is the pick-pocketing central of the world), but I guess that will have to wait for another trip. If you're going to be frequenting Italy, go to Naples and find the Pizzeria di Michelle. Apparently its the best pizza in Italy, and therefore the best in the world.

On an entirely separate note, we had our first music history class today. It looks like this man is just as quotable as Marlin Owen. I jotted a few down:

On the subject of the church in America and in Europe:
"In America, you get hope in the services. In Europe you go to the service and after look for a bridge to jump down"

On ignorant musicians:
"Oh, C Major, this is a new sort of hamburger at McDonalds?"

On a serialism composer's music theories:
"I spend weeks trying to understand his theories, and then the result is when I sit down on the piano" (he then squatted on the table like he was sitting on piano keys to demonstrate)

On the worth of being a musician:
"I don't change the world, I help people to be happy, and that is fine."

boo

2009-09-15T20:59:00.000+02:00

It's been one of those days. Not a bad day I guess, but one of those days. I haven't felt great because acid reflux is acting up (serves me right for having a croissant and cap for lunch on an empty stomach, and then having sourkraut at dinner) and there's been a little bit more tension today, at least that I've noticed, between a few of us. Its been a productive day at least. I figure that if I'm not going to spend the day excited about life like I usually am, at least I'm going to get stuff done so I can be excited about life with less homework to do later.

This is a shout-out to my potential stalker who was revealed on facebook: hi. I know you're reading this.

I haven't gone across the bridge or roamed the city in a day or two. Its about time to remedy that.

Tomorrow I am going to German class at nine. We get out at eleven, at which point I'm going straight to the farmers market to get myself another one of those amazing bratwurst. I really don't care if its bad for my acid tummy; I've been waiting a whole week for this sausage. So I'll take time to eat and enjoy, and then have music history class for the first time, starting at 12. And then after that I have the rest of the day to myself. I'll do homework, and maybe return to my lovely home-base cafe.

And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I hope its sunny tomorrow. NOT HOT, but a little sunshine and blue, please. This had better not be the first glimpse of seasonal depression after years and years in Oregon! If by some chance it breaks 80 degrees tomorrow (fat chance) I'll probably swim in the Neckar river again.

Hey Mom, I love you.

2009-09-15T13:41:00.000+02:00

Several of us are in the common room right now.
They're discussing some band. I'm tuning out.
Until this moment:

Phil: It looks like they have some black guys in the band.

Wellington: Ooh. That'll spice things up.

So we all kind of chuckle, in a suppressed manner.

Wellington: What?

Phil: Nothing dog.

(phil is black)

2009-09-14T20:25:00.000+02:00

I found my home-base cafe.

Instead of telling you about it in retrospect, you can read my diary.

"I am sitting in a little cafe eating the most delicious croissant my mouth has ever tasted, and drinking a mediocre, but well-presented cappuccino.

Unless the guy who served me is REEALLY European, he is pretty darn gay. Speaks English though. :-)

It is beautiful here. I will come back. The chairs are comfy and the table Iam at will more than suffice for studying. I have never been in a coffee shop with an atmosphere quite like this.

I am hoping this will fill me enough for lunch.

I ought to buckle down and study now, since this is after all why I came here."

zap

2009-09-13T01:09:00.000+02:00

I am currently sitting here with Wellington, and just a moment ago Jon Bao Tran. We just watched Vitus (awesome movie).

Anyhow, Wellington was just telling us how the macbook charger cords are so cool, because you can suck on them when they are plugged in and not electrocute his tongue. He proceeded to demonstrate...and electrocuted his tongue.

Just needed a written record. Freaking awesome.

I lied...maybe I do sweat. But not a lot!

2009-09-12T19:46:00.000+02:00

Today we rode our bikes to the nearby city of Ladenburg. I saw conflicting signs, but we either rode 9 or 15 kilometers...I really don't know, but it was really enjoyable. I felt my soul begin to release as we left the city and rode through this big meadow area with big, rolling, tree covered hills (and the occasional castle) in the distance. Each time I get out of the city I just feel better. So anyway, that was a beautiful bike ride. I loved it both ways.

On the way back I just wanted to go fast...so I did! And it felt good! Sometimes my body is like, "hey Jess, you're going to be more athletic than usual right now" and I go with it and I like it. I'm still waiting for everyone to get back. It was fun to go ahead by myself. I like having just me to read the signs and make directional decisions and have my orientation because it makes me realize that I can. I always tune out when I'm walking with one person or in a group because I focus on the people instead of the place.

The Flea Market at Ladenburg was pretty cool. It was basically a city-wide garage sale. And you get to haggle! So, for 13 euros or something, I got a Yixing teapot, a warm coat, and a durable, attractive purse that fits my journal and Bible perfectly! The tea pot comes with 3 clay cups. I've always wanted a Yixing teapot set, but never bought one because they are too expensive for me to justify it...but for 6 euros its not!!

Anyway, that was really fun. Yvonne and Dr. Luft made us a delicious lunch that I'm still kind of full from (but I'm developing quite a hankering for a bratwurst), and I got a lot of good thinking done in their garden. I'm happy about it.

The last two years have been really interesting for me, and I'm seeing some big-picture thematic stuff coming together that makes sense. I like it.

I can trust God and question Him at the same time.

2009-09-12T00:58:00.001+02:00

I have had "Samson" by Regina Spektor playing through my head for the last 8 hours.

Today I hung around in my room for several hours trying to do my history reading. I eventually finished, but I realize it wasn't the most efficient reading I've ever done. I am, though, ahead on my homework.

I love running down Mittelbadgasse (the street we live on) and buying bread at the bakery around the corner. Or buying quark (a cheese/yogurt thing), which is a new favorite of mine. Everything is just RIGHT THERE. Its pretty cool.

Then this afternoon I met up with my darling friend's Erika's friend who happened to be in Heidelberg. We walked up to Philosopher's Way, which is on the other side of the river and up in the hills. The views were very beautiful, but I kind of expected the "way" to be a little less paved. People talked about it so much that I was almost disappointed. I'll still go back, but not all the up to the paved part. It really was beautiful.

It was great to meet him, having heard about him. I didn't know what to expect, but I guess I didn't expect to have a six hour conversation about "theology" and related things. Definitely made me think, and it was an exercise internally of holding to what I am thinking even though it might be a touchy subject and challenging topic. We disagreed on some things, or he had a solid opinion where I didn't have a formed one. It was a good talk. I'm glad to have a new friendship, and I can definitely see how he and my darling friend Erika make good friends.

Something I realized today:
For some reason, even with a beautiful European city right in front of me, I find myself gazing at the sky, the trees against the sky, or the river the most. These things just capture me for some reason.

Tomorrow we are riding our bikes to the nearby city of Ladenburg. There is kind of a fair/garage sale there throughout the whole city. I'm interested to see this.

Relationships within our group here are going well. Getting to know Tavia is a blessing! She and I never really spent time together at Biola, and being roommates gives us such a good opportunity. She's a beautiful heart and I think it is so good for me to be around her. I really like talking with her too. We have had some great conversations...and really, I'm all about conversations. I love conversations.
.

2009-09-10T03:03:00.000+02:00

...I bought that nutella roughly 36 hours ago and I am nearly half way through.

I thought maybe two weeks instead of three...not four days.

I gave it to Wellington and told him he can do what he wants with it, but if he finishes it I just want the jar. And I won't spend money on Nutella again for a while. My goodness. I'm quitting cold turkey. And honestly, I don't think cold turkey tastes so bad.

When in Germany

2009-09-08T15:21:00.000+02:00

This here Nutella is the bane of my healthy habits. And today, for my birthday, I bought myself the 750 mg tub of it.

Tavia said I might as well just buy the big one, because if I buy the small one I'll only come back. She said, "if you buy this, lets just say you have to take twice as long to eat it as the little one."

"So I can eat the whole thing in two weeks?"

She hesitated. "Well, lets say three weeks."

Yeah right! But I agreed, purchased it, and a few minutes ago enjoyed the first several miligrams of it, spoon in hand.

hot date

2009-09-06T19:09:00.000+02:00

I just got back from an incredible date. I walked in smiling, came upstairs glowing. Sure, my date was a little quiet, but that didn't bother me. There was quite a connection, and I had such a good time.

It started on the Haupstrausse with Lebanese food. I had a babaganouche wrap (second time I've eaten mediterranean food today). Sat on a bench and people watched for a while and took a few photos. When that was done, down to the road by the river and made way up to the old bridge, making sure to take time and enjoy the view and take in the atmosphere. It was so peaceful.

I loved being on the old bridge. I took so many photos of the river and the sky and the green hills rolling along beside it. The sun was making all kinds of different pictures to delight in. Must have stayed on that bridge for 25 minutes just taking it all in before going back toward the Pension. It was so peaceful and so cool, and just right. I felt at home in myself.

On the way back, I saw a cute little stand with a man from Pakistan that had a sign reading "Crepes" on the front of it. And being that we are currently in Germany, Nutella was everywhere. So in a few minutes I had a Nutella crepe. And then, back up to the fountain and sat people watching and munching happily on the hot Nutella crepe. That may have been my favorite part, because I started realizing what an amazing date I was on. Everything felt completely natural, it was never boring, and barely even a word was said.

I'm really not into the silent type, but since my date knew everything I was thinking and feeling, it didn't really matter. That's why its a pleasure to go on dates with myself.

2009-09-06T15:34:00.000+02:00

Every morning I wake up and mix myself some yogurt or quark (a yogurt-like German thing) and oats with honey, and have a cup of PG Tips with milk and honey. Germany is into their honey. You get to choose which flower the honey comes from here, so right now I'm using Eucalyptus honey.

I usually have class around nine, and by the time class ends two hours later I'm ready to make my way all the way down the block (I know, tedious) to the bakery "Kamps" and buy myself some bread. Lunch and dinner I usually eat out somehow, and inbetween when I'm hungry I eat breakfast again or munch on dried apricots. We have 10 euros a day for eating, and we aren't allowed to cook (or to burn candles, to my dismay).

There are loose-leaf tea shops everywhere on the Haupstrausse (the pedestrian street) and loads of little cafe's. I want to try somewhere different for dinner tonight.

On Sundays everything except for the cafe's closes. People take walks and enjoy a slower-paced day. I am really enjoying the rest.

In Heidelberg, baking soda is sold in little, tiny packets and is way too expensive. I'm not sure what I am going to do.

2009-09-06T14:00:00.000+02:00

It feels like our little group is beginning to bond. I like it a lot. I knew I just needed to be patient and give it time and that rushing friendship wouldn't work. I'm curious to see how we will be in a month after classes.

Skype is also great. I've been able to stay in touch with a few friends from home who are kind enough to leave skype on when they are around. I got to talk with Emily for a bit just last night! The best times to reach me are in the morning, or later at night (which is morning for me). I am nine hours ahead.

We have our first full week of school starting tomorrow.

Today we rode our bikes to Heidelberg's Calvary Chapel, where the service is in both English and German. Oh, and my bike broke. No more front brake. I guess if I'm going to lose a brake, that is the one to lose.

Last night we went to see the Castle Illumination. They put fires all over inside the Heidelberg Castle to illuminate it (it looked pretty neat) and then put on one of the lamest firework shows I've ever seen. We couldn't see 1/3 of the fireworks because of the smoke! And in the middle of it there was a 30 second pause of nothing. We were kind of laughing, but all the Germans with their bottles of wine camped out around us seemed pleased enough. I got to chat with Jolene all the way back. :)

I have been eating a lot of Mediterranean food here in Germany. There are all these great Kebap places and the employees are very friendly. We have a favorite place (I actually like the food from the another one better, but I like the service here) and when six of us went together a few days ago they gave all of us free tea.

I have so much that I could write about, but I want to go easy on it so people will actually make it all the way through these posts. I know my newly-empty-nested parents will no matter what, which is a great thing about parents.

Much love!

2009-09-05T01:09:00.000+02:00

Jon Bao Tran and Pizza.

We were sitting at this great little Mediterranean version of Chipotle today where we like to eat. Jon ordered pizza. One pizza that would feed me and two friends, all to himself. We were all carrying on and chatting as he munched away. He was half done, and offered all of us some because there was so much. No one took him up on any. To our shock, the next time we looked he had eaten the whole thing!

Conversation carried on, and a few moments later he piped in, "when I was younger I went to the emergency room for eating too much pizza." We found out (through a series of questions) that he had eaten two whole pizzas, at the age of six, that were even larger than the one he had just consumed! "I have a problem with eating too much pizza" he told us.

No shit!

2009-09-04T18:34:00.001+02:00

Drenched! My soaking pants clung to my legs in an intimate hug as we rushed, attempting to leap over puddles. We were in an indefinite hurry, knowing we had a half hour to catch a bus that would hopefully redeem us from our cold, shivering mess. As my shoes can attest to, I didn't quite succeed in leaping over all of the puddles. I might as well use them to fill my precious water bottle (for water conservation), which is no good because I'm not sure the conditions outside will be letting up anytime soon. What to wear in the rain...Toms, or Birkenstocks?

Today we rode our bikes 9 kilometers to the nearby city of Schwetzingen. We ate a delicious "Schnitzel" lunch (traditional German meal of breaded meat) and then walked through the rainy gardens of the summer residence of the electors of the Palatinate. It rained HARD and my raincoat became overwhelmed and gave up its task of keeping me dry. So I'm down tennis shoes and a raincoat until they can dry off. We'll see how the scavenger hunt goes tomorrow.

We arrived in Heidelberg a few days ago in the morning hours, meaning we had to force ourselves to stay up all day long so we could go to bed at a reasonable hour. We've all dealt with the jet-lag a little differently. For me, I fell asleep during evening prayer time and woke up at 3:30 or 4 AM a few times. Last night was my first whole night's sleep...which I am so thankful to have gotten.

I am in a group of twelve students comprised of APU and Biola students. There are four of us from Biola, and the rest are APU. And there are four boys, and the rest are girls. Plus one male RA who lives on the top story (four floors overall, but the first floor is the ground floor, the second is the first, the third is the second, and so on and so fourth..forth. So he lives on the third floor, which is the fourth story of the pension). So far all of us are getting along pretty well and spending a lot of time together.

We hiked up the hill to the Heidelberg Castle yesterday! It is beautiful, and it gives such a beautiful view of the city and the river. It is 316 stair steps up to the top, and the view almost makes you forget the burning sensation in your quads. Almost. I think I might make that a regular workout--climb the castle steps a few times.

Heidelberg reminds me of Portland. I do love this place.