growth by anger

I've changed so much in two years. Two years ago this time I didn't know what I thought or cared about, and I was out of touch with what I even felt. And when there was conflict, I'd be angry, of course, but not very angry...and if you go back a few years, I rarely got angry.

Its interesting looking back, to realize that the way I process has changed. I defend myself, am angry for myself, and know what I feel and think much more.

And today I'm pissed off, which I suppose is only natural (and I'm thankful for this). Now that I have obvious emotions, its time to learn more about what to do with them to be a good person. A good, whole person.

I sure am not perfect. Glad to know where I'm at though.

This is an IPA kind of summer...and no, I'm not brushing up on my lyric diction. Its pretty exciting to be off contract and to be twenty one, so I've been extending my flavor obsession to the world of beer. All my coworkers love beer, and so do I. Its fun to explore.

Things have been different this summer so far. I've spent more time reading, and more time alone, and more time with coworkers. My schedule and my family's schedules are not as compatible as they used to be. Dad's is normal, Jeff is around a bit, and Mom is very, very busy with her campaign. I'm proud of her for what a great job she is doing. Thankfully her office is just across the street from where I work, so I see her a few times a week when I'm behind the counter, and I can always pop over there after my shift and say hi or bring coffee or something. I'll admit though, before I got used to the flow of this summer, I was feeling pretty lonely.

I'm not really plugged into a church this summer. I don't like that. My closest Christian friends are not in town.

I'm typing this on my dad's computer. He just said, "That's my computer" and I responded "mmhmm..." and he said, "Using it for nefarious purposes?" and I said, "Yep. (pause) Looking up nefarious." He started laughing. Nefarious does not mean what I thought it did.

That's all for now.

What did I not expect from last semester? To make new friends. Not to mention, male friends.

Brian Ulrich. This kid cracks me up. He lives across the courtyard and will nearly always match me in energy and oddness if I challenge him to it. What a fun friend. I enjoyed doing homework in his and his brother's room. I love my Ulrich brothers, and find myself very protective of them.

Thiago...my partner in crime. We're "siblings." At least that's what we told the cops in New York for the photos we took.

Shoh! I can't believe this kid. This semester my roommates and I thoroughly enjoyed having him over for tea every Wednesday night (in the dorms, the only night during the week in which boys are allowed over are Wednesdays). He is a walking wikipedia application, so I always enjoy getting the details on little things that no one else but me or him care about. He probably knows. And what's better? He has a huge, considerate heart and has made quite the positive influence on me at an important time.

Brandon Lee. What an incredible friend. He has so consistently offered his resources and friendship to my roommates and I. For example, he fixed Emily's hard drive, saving her a butt-load of money, and giving up a good chunk of his Saturday before finals week. That's a sacrifice. And he gave me medicine and copious amounts of cough drops when I was sick, and he lent us his car so we could move into our new house at the end of the semester. And he prays for his friends. I am so blessed by him, and its really fun to be around him.

Jaso...well, that was a surprise. Just because he's a Talbot grad in philosophy I should hate him, but we actually get along quite well and he isn't a jerk (leave that up to me and my initials). He's much nicer than most people, actually!

I usually kind of...I dunno, have my guard up against my guy friends, and feel like girl friends are so much safer, but this is kind of what happened this semester. Mostly thanks to Chorale and New York. I can't imagine if I had never joined. What a dull semester it would have been.

The semester is over; time to reflect. So I came to my blog again, and saw that my most recent entry is about asking a guy out. I think I ought to continue on the subject.

After some thought I realized that my experiment is a bad idea unless it is a guy I really am interested in. Wouldn't it feel bad if someone asked you out simply for a social experiment rather than because she or he was at least interested? Also, it needs to be a man I am interested in so that I am actually nervous.

To remedy this, I set my sights on someone. I had seen him around, and he had shown at least interest in talking with me. The semester ended a little too fast and I never really got/made the chance to ask him out, and spent some time feeling awkward and nervous about the idea when I did see him. This is probably part of what guys go through.

I think I may abandon my social experiment at this point and let him do his thing, because while I was getting food in the caf for the last time last Friday, he walked up to me and asked for my phone number. I was giddy. I hope he follows through so we can get to know each other.

New subject: I am grateful for my roommate, Emily. We've been living together for quite some time, and both of us have certainly changed in that time. I see living with the same roommate for an extended period of time as a gift, but also as a discipline. We go through phases as individuals and as friends. Second semester freshman year she was difficult, and first semester sophomore year I was difficult. We have the opportunity to bear with one another through thick and thin, and I think it grows each of us. Plus, we have a rich friendship to gain from it. Right now I think I have some changing to do, and living with her is helping me understand it. While we were packing she felt like I was being passive aggressive, and I was sensing something was off from her. I brought it up and asked if I had done anything that was causing our slightly uncomfortable dynamic and she was honest with me and told me that she couldn't tell if I was upset with her or not. This was a surprise to me. We kind of put stuff out in the open and left it. Anyway, I may have some bad habits in the way I communicate, and today she asked me what I meant by something I said, and it shed light a lot of confusion for us because this particular form conflict is a recurring one that has a different subject every time. Basically, I am excited to learn how to be more direct and therefore, loving, as we grow in our friendship and rooming situation. I see where I can grow now and I am thankful that she is willing to work with me. I don't want to be passive aggressive, intentionally or unintentionally!

Those are the thoughts I'll share for now. I'll be reading CS Lewis in the meantime.

Jess

Last week was "Gender Reconciliation" week here at Biola. It got me thinking about a number of things. Now I am reading the book "Ruby Slippers" by Jonalyn Fincher.

Anyway, one of my thoughts: why shouldn't a girl ask a guy out? Are men really meant to be leaders in relationships? Why? And what does it mean if a girl makes the first move?

First off, let it be said that I don't have a single love interest that I am hoping to pursue a serious relationship with at the moment. I certainly have a few guys that I find interesting and attractive, but for the most part I'm still rocking the being single thing. However, this has not kept me from going on dates, because dates can be casual and healthy.

Okay, now to my point: I am considering picking a guy and asking him on a date. I find it to be pretty easy to go on a date with someone who asks me. He chooses where we go, he drives, he pays, he clearly wants to be there with me because he asked, so I don't have to worry about making an impression on him so much...when I think about asking a guy on a date, all of that security goes away. It is up to me to come up with the place, the money, the conversation, and I do not have that automatic assurance that he is slightly interested in me. I want to ask a guy on a date because I want to feel what a guy feels when he asks a girl out.

This is a dream:

I was driving home, and this couple was riding on a cushion that drove like a car. Somehow I suddenly had one too, so I kept driving. As I was getting ready to turn onto HW 43, I noticed the person in front of me waiting at the light. It was a young little girl sitting cross-legged on the pavement. Alone...on the pavement?! I picked her up, turned around, and rode my magic cushion to Peets to figure out what to do. I wasn't sure how safe it would be to take her on my lap on 43, not to mention I wasn't sure what to do with her.

pivot point

I yelled at someone. Well, you could say I "spoke" as firmly and as loudly as I could without yelling, but lets just say I yelled, because that certainly gets the mood accurately. I yelled. I exposed my anger and defended myself, expressing exactly what I wanted. I didn't accuse him person or tear him down. I aggressively said, "Don't! You have entirely crossed my boundaries, and DO NOT do it again." It was a firm, clear command, and of course it is up to him to choose what he does with that and his reaction is entirely his choice, but I told him exactly what I want, and I did not hide the anger in my voice. I felt this strange sense of freedom in defending myself.

I've never done that before to a peer. I know I spoke that way to Robbie a few times, and growing up I know I had interactions like that with my mother and brother (Dad and I have never really had conflict), but to have that kind of interaction with someone outside of the family was entirely new to me.

I'm glad I said what I thought and expressed my feelings rather than just taking it. I was clear, direct, and firm...and honest.

Turning point for me. What an adventure, learning how to take care of myself.